“He’s a walking contradiction, partly truth and partly
fiction.”

Kris Kristofferson

Kris Kristofferson is said to have written the song the pilgrim in part about Johnny Cash and his behaviours, he was often described as the walking contradiction. As I look at my life I can relate with these words.

We addicts find ourselves caught in a relentless struggle, as our actions often betray the values we hold dear. I may cherish honesty, yet deceit became my modus operandi. I might value connection, yet isolation becomes my sanctuary.

The chasm between intentions and actions became a source of immense anguish, intensifying the contradictions I faced and lived with as a silent hypocrite.

One example of contradiction was I knew a girl who was what now may be described as a content creator, but we used the phrase glamour model back in the day. I stumbled upon her accidentally online and once I knew her alternative name I knew I could find these galleries of images, images which she doesn’t own and can never remove from the internet, the pain and regret of that period of her life I knew to be a source of great discomfort to her but so many times I would revisit these images to view them despite knowing better.

The self loathing involved with this act of self defiance was one of many examples of toxic shame at play in my life. I shudder to think the hours wasted merely in trying to find everything I could, the obsession and lunacy of addiction truly is cunning, baffling and powerful as the big book describes.

The contradiction I live with daily is that I despise everything that is pornography, I see no positives from it personally, I believe it is the worst educator, that producing and selling content is not empowering and being a blind consumer of it is buying into a lie that it is a substitute or an aid for real intimacy and connection. The reality, however, is if I was given unfettered access to the internet I would be walking the tightrope where if I were to fall off I would lose myself in a hole for days binging everything I could. I need accountability and I need support to function with modern living.

As soon as I see contradictions and paradoxes at play in my life I know I need to do some work on self care and service to others. My course needs correcting immediately as a degree or two off-course can be remedied quickly but to carry on in the wrong direction I can go severely off course very quickly.

One of the most profound contradictions I have to be alert to is the illusion of control. I may desperately desire to reign over my life but in truth I am a terrible God, without the program and others I will find myself utterly powerless in the face of compulsion. There is no self help for an addict.

So what do I mean by opposites? this is where the idealist and the romantic in me steps in, recovery gives flawed folks such as myself a chance to own my actions and more importantly learn from and learn how not to make the same mistakes and terrible decisions over and over again.

When I look at some of my worst and most shameful deeds on my inventory I see the opportunity to find the opposites or work towards the symmetry of redemption, from shame to grace, from defects to assets, from resentments to gratitude.

This website serves as an opposite that I needed to realise in my new life, in the past I would search out directories that would take me to places no person should go to online but to me they served as a phone list of dealers, I was the depraved junkie and my eyes where the veins waiting for its hit.

To live, I need to take the worst of me and work towards a directory of hope and help to make amends to myself and others for colouring so far out of my values.