This weekend was about two things, firstly starting back at work with a new job on Monday and the second was coming to the decision that twelve-step recovery is the way for me to go.
On Friday I had a therapy session and I felt like it was a good day, I had reached two milestones of acceptance in my recovery journey, firstly I finally felt that my pain and my past sufferings are not things I can erase or run from but are truly a part of me, the good, the bad the ugly, all part of the same me and there is no burying the pain in a box in an attic anymore, not an option! Secondly, I accepted the reality that this struggle against pornography is going to be one I face for the rest of my days. Everyone has their battles and this one is mine. As much as I feel like Frodo about my quest, I accept my fate.
I decided that I will own this! I will carry the knowledge of the depths to which my addiction took me, for the rest of my days, but I will no longer be consumed by it.
As the evening rolled on, my time was spent researching accountability apps, web filters, and apps for counting sobriety days.
It turns out that my post about the bubble wrap or the tightrope is a fairly accurate appraisal of the situation. The marketplace offers solutions that either lock down everything, blocking even helpful videos on porn addiction, these were filtered out just for containing the P-word in the title, and on the other end of the spectrum, it would be just too easy to get around the parameters if someone wanted to.
My thoughts turned to the day counting of one’s sobriety streak which seems to be the primary focus of NoFappers. As I set up my meagre 2-day streak on an app, I felt almost miserable that the 40-odd days following the revelation of my dark secret so quickly turned to court the galleries of “glamour” which soon jumped to hard-core videos. Sure this was more “normal” porn but I know better now, porn for me is no longer an option in any form.
I decided to turn in and went to sleep, unfortunately for me, I woke up midway through the night, and there it was, the monster under the bed.
The day, I reached out to a could-be sponsor saying I am ready to commit to the program, I had ordered my recovery bible, the big green book, and my voices of recovery readings. Had a great session and felt some real miles on the road to recovery, And later that very same night, here I was! Bump, a pothole, and then click click followed by despair, shame, and pain. I didn’t get back to sleep and the following day was one of deep misery.
In another episode of Elementary and the recovering Sherlock was about to earn his one-year chip and well, just take a look yourself.
The tears rolled down my face watching the TV show again, I have always been a Sherlock Holmes fanboy, beholding a hero so vulnerable and flawed yet so brilliant.
Then it hit me. Step One!
We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behaviour – that our lives had become unmanageable.
This journey of recovery isn’t linear, it isn’t a movie nor does it have a soundtrack. Being angry and feeling sorry for myself is not going to help anyone.
My higher power is going to be a little more tangible to me as I believe in God. Not in the way that I may have before but in a more meaningful existential way.
I thought of Jesus and his temptation, it came after his baptism, 40 days in the desert, no food and absolutely threaders, and here was me folding like a cheap suit. Two lessons I take from this are, firstly I am not Jesus, obviously, and secondly, neither is any other human on this planet.
“Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.”
Abraham Maslow
Last night I decided to pack a rucksack and head for the hills, the forecast was OK at best. I had tried to go last week but bailed quickly, not quite feeling right.
To me, the outdoors was always about resetting, a soft reboot for the brain, the appeal was the escapism and the reframing of perspective that nature gives to our circumstances.
Before I carry on, I wanted to note that the purpose I have for this website is for now, my own personal blog, and my lived experience and I share it in the hope it can be a signpost for others to reach their next checkpoint safely.
Ultimately, I want this site to also be one promoting recovery by bringing the outdoors and exercise into a new lifestyle free from compulsive behaviours not just with porn and sex but any other addiction.
As I parked the car and tightened the straps of my pack I needed to get that first night in the bag of being alone in a tent again, this time it was the fear of meeting a demon on the hills, one that would tell me I have no hope for the future now, one that conjures up images and scenarios of my demise. As with all irrational fears, this night would be no different than my usual in the hills.
I find a bit of ground flat enough for my tent, no surprise, it is covered in sheep shit so I go through the sweeping motions with my right boot.
I pitch the tent and take in the views of the surrounding peaks and fields and I am relieved. I may not be escaping anything anymore but the permanence of nature is a great reminder that trying times like grey clouds, pass.
As the sun sets and the wind picks up, I zip in for the evening, hoping sleep won’t evade me too much. The demon of depression that I feared on those hills was more bark than bite and as the stars and the moon emerged, I felt happy that I no longer want to let these issues and fears rob me of these moments and experiences.
The night was a windy one, and as I lay warm and protected, my tent took the battering and did its job. After a few hours of sleep, I awoke to fast-moving clouds, a sunrise and a feeling that the storm had passed.
I write this post as a reminder, that however, your journey to recovery is going, one of the vital ingredients for me is to maintain the habits that do you good. Running, hiking and anything else that gets you out in the elements is good for us. If you don’t do these things, start to, we were never meant for walls, screens, and deliveroo.
It is also important to practice the setting and pursuing of goals. As an addict, a lot of thoughts can focus on not relapsing and keeping the mind in check, it’s a struggle and it can be the worst time for your self-esteem and confidence which is why it’s so important to recognise the positive steps you take every day and celebrate the little wins.
Sir David Attenborough makes some good points here.
I also find it important to find sources of inspiration. So I will often chuck on an audiobook or a video to build up a focused mind, I may be a big ball of emotions these days but it’s worth maintaining a mindset fixed on a forward motion.
One of my heroes is Bruce Lee who was greatly influenced by a poem which I will share with you.
“The Man Who Thinks He Can” by Walter Wintle
If you think you are beaten, you are; If you think you dare not, you don’t. If you’d like to win, but think you can’t It’s almost a cinch that you won’t
If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost, For out in the world we find Success begins with a fellow’s will; It’s all in the state of mind.
If you think you’re outclassed, you are. You’ve got to think high to rise. You’ve got to be sure of yourself before You can ever win a prize.
Life’s battles don’t always go To the stronger or faster man; But sooner or later the man who wins Is the one who thinks he can.
This video really helps me get my mind positively charged.
Here are some challenges and ideas I would encourage you to explore. Start small and enjoy the process and the journey.
Recovery is an acceptance that your life is in shambles and you have to change.
Jamie Lee Curtis
After my first session with my therapist, I had to consider my future relationship with the theatre of my downfall, technology.
It is obvious that the routes to porn are everywhere and as a society, you only need to turn on the tv or go on a night out to see we are a hyper-sexualised society with casual attitudes towards sex.
Bubble Wrap
One way to approach avoiding porn is to minimise the use of technology in your life. This could be by ensuring you have no access to a computer or getting a dumb phone with very few features to avoid the internet like the plague, some tips below could work for you, I will explain some of my methods and choices, I am sure these will not necessarily be fixed but will serve as a starting point.
Make yourself accountable to others such as friends or get a sponsor in a 12-step group such as sex addicts anonymous
Buy a dumb phone to avoid internet access
Come off social media to avoid content triggers
Install a blocker or an accountability app like Covenant Eyes if you have to maintain access to the internet
Make your email and phone accessible to a partner
There is a growing list of apps to make your browsing behaviours accountable, sadly many of these are paid and I am sorry to say many can be got around easily.
I believe that behaviour and attitude are everything when it comes to recovery.
Answer the following honestly, as the answers will inform the steps you need to take.
What online behaviours have been unhealthy and damaging?
For me personally, this was the following:
Seeking out anything that I could think of no matter how messed up.
Adding girls I don’t even know on socials especially ones with only fans to download as much of their stuff as I could.
Clicking through Twitter profiles for amateur porn.
Site hopping the streaming sites and watching increasingly extreme pornography.
Downloading and hoarding a porn stash filed and hidden on either a computer or mobile.
Bookmarking loads of porn sites.
If you recognise some of these behaviours, we have some real issues we will need to work through, rather than condemn yourself in shame ask yourself the next question?
What can I do to resolve this?
The first thing I did was cull my social media followings on Facebook, and Instagram, and I ditched Twitter, this reduced the triggering content flowing through my timelines that could set off a porn binge. This was the first part, you need to remember Instagram is an algorithm-led platform and your search feed will funnel more and more content based on your previous behaviour. You can go through each suggestion picture and select “not interested” and it will start to get the message across to the Instagram mechanisms.
It took me a few days of doing this to reduce the unending pics of insta chicks, young girls, and countless only fans accounts attempting to pick up paying subscribers. Instagram is a real problem as it is saturated with borderline porn, and accounts of minors whose accounts say “parent-managed account” but with again highly sexualised content, based on the hundreds of thousands of followers these accounts have, I can only assume they have become monetised, so you can see how things are really problematic here.
I am happy to report my Instagram is all healthy hobby-centric stuff like mountains and fitness pics now.
I then sat down with my partner and reviewed my socials and gave her access to all my online activities, for me, I had been so secretive for years I was relieved to have that wall broken down and not be alone shadow-boxing my demons.
I no longer download anything, I have no porn bookmarks, and all safe search browsing is turned on.
To me, sobriety has to be viewed as a way to live a full life, free from the fake exterior of social media me, the one that was projected to hide the fragile and wounded part of me.
My addiction doesn’t define me but I need to develop the ability to master technology as a tool and learn consistent responsible use, I have had a few momentary relapses in these early stages where I hit up some soft (solo girl nude galleries)
I cannot kid myself that I can manage my way out of this alone with lesser types of content, this will so easily lead to video and then extreme categories and this is disruptive to the reboot process. Addicts will always default to boundary-pushing if we do not hold our ground.
Remember that we are repairing our brains by living free of pornography. So, any porn use, pornified sex, fantasising, and edging just keeps those damaging pathways open.
Here is Paula Hall explaining how this works.
Relapses will happen, the strength comes in getting back up, understanding what went wrong, how we tripped and then we take steps to save the same thing happening again. I found that remaining accountable and saying I tripped up last night keeps me humble. I do this as secrecy has been the fuel of this fire for 25 years.
I am going to try to write a letter to myself that acts as a break open in an emergency kind of thing. I think I will also “keep coming back” to my local Sex Addicts Anonymous group to get a sponsor.
The program works and I feel it important to support 12 step recovery, I need to find the right setting for me as some define sobriety in a heavily religious ways.
I attended a session and shared with an SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) group and what I found was everyone was lovely, realising you are not alone is an important step to learning your true value. Check out the link below to find a group for you.
To explain the 12 steps here is Russell Brand in his own unique way.
We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behaviour – that our lives had become unmanageable
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when doing so would injure them or others.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex addicts and practice these principles in our lives.
Don’t be put off by the God parts of the steps, I was the only person there that identified as a Christian, the point is we find a driving mechanism that isn’t self, find a higher power, the universe, the force, something bigger than you, the point of these steps is what is important.
I will keep you posted on my experience with this program as I work through it but I am starting to see the value of others to maintain one’s sobriety, I felt at first that I never had anyone who knew about this, the last thing I want are mates with the same affliction but that is not what it is at all.
It’s the shared struggles, success, emotions and solidarity of striving to live right. When one shares, it can unlock something for someone else.
I like the idea of finding a sponsor and one day when I have put in the work and am ready, I would like to work with someone as a sponsor.
It’s nice to live life with hopes centered on being useful to others rather than being self serving.
You have to be OK with the idea that you will never watch porn ever again in your life. If this idea gives you anxiety or makes you cringe, then you don’t have the ‘Porn is NOT an Option’ mindset yet
Gary Wilson
As addicts we need to educate ourselves on the science of addiction to make progress as individuals, the shame and self-loathing that comes with porn and sex addiction can leave your entire identity in pieces on the floor. I can’t even look at pictures of myself now without thinking is that even me?
I am angry with the double life I was leading, don’t misunderstand me here, I would function well with my 9 to 5 life, I would make sure I catch up with a small group of friends, I pursued fitness goals and devoted a lot of time to understand the plight of oppressed minority struggles but lacked the ability to pause and look in the mirror and start with improving the guy staring back at me.
My trigger would often come when I was alone and overtired, for years healthy sleep had eluded me, I have never quite kicked the night owl routine of my youth, and here lies the problem, whenever I had a compulsive binge, I would edge and not even finish sometimes as I wouldn’t even be aroused, I was chasing the rabbit through wonderland but deriving no pleasure from it, completely numb to what I was seeing.
As time went on I would feel more release in deleting the porn I would collect like I was closing the lid on the laptop under the delusion that I had the high ground and was walking away, in control.
I would wonder why I would get cramps and feel I had a bad stomach, I have since discovered this was likely to be caused by the edging sessions placing a strain on my prostate.
When it came to real opportunities with my loving partner, I would often suffer from Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED) and Premature Ejaculation (PE) and this would just fuel the anxiety over real sex, I knew I wanted it, but the fear of the pain of not being able to perform made things worse.
The brain is like a chemical factory and the ever-increasing pursuit of novelty with internet porn can rewire the way our brain works. From my early exposure to pre-internet porn, I can now share with you that my curiosity soon overwrote my normal interests, I mean, what 15-year-old lad in the 90s would have got hold of pregnant porn, fisting, and double penetration videos? I was already a veteran of hardcore and getting porn in the 90s was so much more difficult.
I feel for lads now who have never known a world without high-speed 4k porn on tap. We have never had so much extreme material just a few search words away right in our pockets, so it is no wonder that we just do not have the data on this issue for the much-needed recognition to be given. It is sadly still some way off with the American Psychological Association (APA) and in the UK there seems to be more growth of understanding, but this is not something that the NHS can assist in and I saw private therapy with a specialist as the only way to go.
This is an interesting video to give some insight into what goes on with our brains while we are hooked on porn.
There is also an extra part with some tips on how to overcome your porn addiction, which may help in creating new healthy lifestyle behaviours.
I find that hiking, running, climbing mountains and camping can all get me out in nature and give me some much-needed time away from the constant connection to technology, in starting this blog I saw an opportunity to put tech in its rightful place, as a tool rather than a master.
To build on the information in the videos above, there are also a couple of books pictured below that I can recommend to arm yourself with the knowledge and understanding to finally live a better life.
I wish that of all the things I have googled and searched for online, that I had searched – help me, I am a porn addict, but then hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I think childhood trauma or emotional loss is the universal template for addiction
Gabor Maté
I am a Sex Addict and this is my first blog post. Recovery feels like a mountain but I can’t go back.
I want to take the time to explain that my addiction has always worked in a cycle, deeply buried and hidden from the world, I conflated deceptive secrecy with personal privacy and I lived a double life hidden from loved ones and family.
It was as though my brain was a partitioned hard drive, on one side lived the version of me that has always been outgoing and seemingly confident, a version of me that would often be projected through the medium of social media and interaction. The colleague, the friend, the partner, and the uncle.
On the other side of the partition was the closed curtain, late-night porn-binging obsessive-compulsive.
An addict with conflicting operating systems is destined to crash and need a complete reboot. To understand such personal destructive behaviour, you have to trace the cord back to the wall.
Paula Hall is a leading therapist in this field and explains the OAT model
Opportunity
My problem with pornography has been with me for as long as I can remember. I am of an age where my first encounter was through magazines and VHS tapes.
At the age of 12, a scrunched-up nude picture under the bed was swapped out by my parents for a black bag full of top-shelf magazines. I always thought I must have had cool parents, but I see now this was not helpful to healthy development and my needs for healthy boundaries and safeguarding were not met. I might have run with this and taken it to places I never meant to but this was my origin.
Attachment
I never felt an attachment to a father, my biological father was someone my mother had to escape early on in my life, he was a physically abusive man, and my earliest memories were of fear and domestic abuse.
Later in childhood, my stepfather was more inward and quiet. I would spend so much of my childhood trying to figure out why he was in such a mood. Communication and acceptance were always something I strived for and only now do I understand that my identity had been sculpted on the pursuit of this unrealised status of legitimacy through a longing for some sense of adoption.
Trauma
One of the exercises through my private therapy was to establish a timeline of trauma in my life, this might be broken down into two types, “big T” Trauma and “little t” trauma. Only when I went through this exercise did I see just how much I had experienced and the common thing I did, was to box it up and say to myself no time for indulging in self-pity, and have to get on with things.
Alongside this timeline of trauma I also established a timeline of my porn & sexual behaviours, the porn & sex journey had peaked at similar times to these traumas, and I often previously felt that masturbation and pornography were like some sort of self-medication.
Understanding your path is vital to the acceptance stage of this, what this looks like for you will be unique to you.
As Paula Hall says in her video, Opportunity is just growing exponentially with technology, and in my personal experience, my habits evolved and escalated as technology advanced. I often feel like I wish I had existed in a time when such novelty didn’t exist. Watching TV the other day I felt this clip resonated with such feelings.
So today take the time to deep dive into your own attic, what have you boxed and boarded up?
Have you been self-medicating the whole time?
In a world that says “It’s just porn” I will use Basecamp Recovery to share my experiences and lessons, I intend to show that pornography is not only a cause of erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, but the ever-increasing need for dopamine can ruin your life unless you arrest your fall.
A hijacked reward system can turn your whole life upside down.
For me to get through life intact I now have to devote my every day to the idea of no longer being a blind consumer of pornography. I hope others will join me.
Basecamp Recovery 