“I learned that I had no need to feel ashamed, that I could make amends for the wrongs I had done, that I could address the fear I had always fled, that I could re-evaluate my feelings of worthlessness.”

Russell Brand

A few short days ago, I was looking at tickets for a fundraiser for addiction. The event would feature a show by none other than Russell Brand, a man whose past behaviors seemed to be overshadowed by years of recovery, activism, and being a prominent sober celebrity.

His book, “Recovery – ‘Freedom from Our Addictions,'” has helped me bridge the dated feel of the 12 steps with the modern world we inhabit.

Since stepping away from fame and occupying a space that seems to be a melting pot of different demographics, Russell Brand is, to many, a polarizing figure. But a significant portion of that audience isn’t just conspiracy theorists; it includes 12-steppers and yoga practitioners.

His books and videos show that he is a man living with many regrets about his past, and it seemed he was able to live without being defined by it.

When I was stuck in the mire of Step 4 and preparing for Step 5, his words, “I treated Step 4 like I owed it f#cking money,” jolted me into action. This candid description of how uncomfortable that process was made me think, “Let’s get this done.”

As I finally completed Step 5, there were things I told my sponsor that may never see the light of day. He, along with God, were the only ones to witness my account of some of these deeds.

The thought of having the worst of my conduct displayed in a highlight reel for the world to scrutinize and judge without context or a right to reply fills me with unimaginable dread.

After friends had discussed the emerging headlines and the enormous scandal that was about to unfold, I checked out his latest video refuting the claims. The documentary later that day, for the most part, was just a cringe fest of low moments. By today’s standards, it was deeply offensive and misogynistic, all scored with ominous musical notes.

Among the footage of antics we are all familiar with from those years were some serious criminal accusations. I wonder if the intent of the four-year media project was to bring about justice for the alleged victims or if it was just to dismantle and exile the monster to the fringes of society, living under a rock. Never mind his wife and children now caught in the hurricane of headlines.

My views on the #MeToo movement have been somewhat obscured by my life experience. At the age of 19 in 2002, my first girlfriend told me that her previous boyfriend had forced her to have sex. Since my mom was a survivor of domestic abuse at the hands of my father, I knew how monstrous men could be. Fast forward a month, and I was discarded as she returned to her ‘abusive’ boyfriend. To add insult to injury, I was asked by friends if the rumors were true. She had told my friends that it was I who had forced her to have sex.

The experience hurt me deeply, and I know I am an outlier statistically. But I turned to self-harm, and the scar I carry is dismissed as simply catching my arm while fence hopping on a hike.

If I had this experience today, the fallout would likely be much worse. A mere whisper could lead to a social media pile-on.

When there is a criminal offense to be brought to light, it must be met with taking responsibility, becoming accountable, and taking action to make reparations.

I understand more than many that women are objectified, mistreated, and not shown the respect and love they deserve worldwide. I objectified to the point where I dehumanized, and the reversal of that process haunts me. I have to live with that past and carry the reminders of just how bad things got.

I hope that the truth or some conclusion will come from this current media storm. What will remain in its wake when it passes through? I hope there is enough for someone who has been a hero to either make amends if there is accountability to be taken or heal if there has indeed been a misrepresentation of events.

When I hear these kinds of stories, I understand that my experience puts me in a minority as a male, but I strive to remain agnostic in the blame business. I am in no position to judge anyone.

One of my biggest fears in recovery is losing someone to suicide. When events like this happen, I am reminded of the fellowship’s primary purpose: to carry the message to the sex addict who still suffers.

Support websites for the UK:

1. Samaritans: Samaritans provides emotional support to anyone in distress or struggling to cope, including those who may be feeling suicidal. Website: www.samaritans.org
2. Papyrus: Papyrus is a national charity dedicated to preventing young suicide. They provide support and resources for young people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts and for those who are concerned about them. Website: www.papyrus-uk.org
3. Rape Crisis England & Wales: This organization offers support and information to survivors of sexual violence. They have local Rape Crisis Centers across England and Wales. Website: www.rapecrisis.org.uk

That phrase must have stuck in my head since I heard it in the film Saving Private Ryan, and last night it was brought to the forefront once more.

I finally watched the film Shame in the company of my partner as I knew the film would be both emotionally and sexually triggering.

Michael Fassbender delivers a chilling performance as Brandon, a broken man with the same disease as myself; I recognized themes on display with that of my own experience. The incompatibility I often felt with others both emotionally and physically, the obsessive crutch of fantasy and pornography woven within everyday life. The unpredictable anger, the webcam sites, the hookups, failed dates, awkward and inappropriate encounters, erectile dysfunction, and even being sexual outside of one’s orientation just to feel something.

What also stood out about this film was how broken both Brandon and his sister Sissy were; they had clearly come from a traumatic childhood, much like me and my own sister. These two individuals grew up alongside one another broken in some way from their shared origin and found their ways to deal with the pain.

If you think about it, it’s the same the world over. We all find things to deal with some inner pain. We use behaviors to manage the pressures of life rather than sit with the ups and downs. I lived my double life in a bubble for years, and in a world of broken people, it’s easy to blend in and go unnoticed.

I have spoken with my sister a lot lately, and with our shared origin, she understands the descent into my very own inferno has been decades in the making; both her and my partner speak of how they wish they had paid more attention to the cues and tells that I was suffering.

We live in a time where over the next five to ten years more and more people are going to be coming forward with issues with sexual compulsivity. In my time in the rooms, I have met people of all backgrounds, standings in life; there isn’t a type of person or a look, but we all have one thing in common, we wish to be well.

The movie presents a dark and gritty look into a life imploding with the escalation of sex addiction, and viewers will naturally relate to the human at the heart of this. So, to me, it’s an important work but one I wouldn’t advise anyone to watch alone, and it’s not an easy watch.

This hypersexual society with limitless access to ever-increasing novelty is a time bomb, and my challenges and victories today will be the guide and blueprint for somebody’s son in the future.

I guess this post ends as it started; my mission in life now is to carry a message, one that’s forged out of the mess I made of my life. I am looking for the next needle in a stack of needles to tell them they are not alone.

Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.

Brene Brown

The last few years have taught me a lot about myself, I have become more aware of how life events have affected me more than I previously believed, from witnessing my mother being run over by my father to preparing to become a father myself only for it to end tragically.

How can childhood domestic abuse, the loss of a baby during pregnancy and compulsive sexual behaviour be linked to one another? I would have scratched my head if ever asked and I still do sometimes but this is my life tapestry, they are weaved together.

The space and permission to be able to learn from our mistakes can be rare in the digital age, people can be cancelled for tweets from year’s gone by, so how much more for those who hurt others or cross moral lines that shock and offend, our worst moments can be posted about and poured over with comments of strangers.

I heard along the way that our biggest mess can become our biggest message, I would add the condition that only if we take ownership, accountability and put into practice the desire to get better.

Before I picked up my self-reflective pen and sought to change I was inspired that if I can get better I can be useful and help others, a couple of years on I have worked and continue to work my program and now get the honour to sponsor others as a guide on their journeys.

I see in the eyes of fellows the same shame, regret and pain that I live with.

https://youtube.com/shorts/zn12Tngq1T8?si=mMlLzpAlRjQqzWvG

This last week my loving partner made a disclosure about my addiction and my past behaviours to her dad and I was filled with this dread and shame, to look her father in the eye after knowing this stuff about me.

As with most fears the reality isn’t like we imagine in our spiralling. As he came around I put the kettle on, well he hasn’t grabbed me by the scruff of the neck at least.

The three of us sat down, I had to say something, obviously I just want to start by apologising, I said, he interjected “you don’t need to apologise to me, just don’t let this ruin you and you have to get on with your life now”.

He encouraged me to carry on throwing myself into the outdoors, fitness and running. He even said “lets get out for another hike and camp soon”.

Perhaps if others can see I am not a lost cause then maybe it’s time to give myself permission to start forgiving me.

“Surrender all that no longer serves you. Let all that remains buried in your heart come to the surface and be healed. Let there be space for new energies to enter. A new beginning transforms darkness to light.”

Anon

I have always had a problem with the word surrender, I paid lip service to all the spiritual concepts and sung about them for year’s, but it was only when I realised the hell I had fashioned for myself in my addiction that I began to connect with my faith in a truly existential way.

My partner witnessed the desperate condition I found myself in and could see how stripped of hope I had become, it was in these moments of being spent and broken that she realised how important this part of me was.

Despite not sharing my belief in God, she was sorry if she ever shut it down or stood in the way of me connecting with my faith. I cannot tell you the gratitude I feel for being encouraged to explore and reconnect with this part of me.

I heard today from a fellow that it’s said that the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous was written through but not necessarily by Bill W. I always felt it was as though God was saying you guys can have this one and claims anonymity like some sort of Banksy in the sky.

We travel in the language of a Higher power or the God of our understanding, This might not rest well with many outlets of organised religion but it needn’t be a sticking point. It’s how we don’t get drawn into controversy or arguments and keep our focus on our responsibility to tackle this day and this day only.

The themes of forgiveness, redemption, the death of the former nature and rebirth of the new are all pivotal to being able to forge a life free from that which so easily ensnares us, in short Regardless of someone’s religious affiliation we have all fallen short of the standard of living we know to be best for us.

There is the suggestion that we get on our knees and pray for a sober day, even as someone aligned with the Christian faith I have rarely practiced this outward enactment of the spiritual act of surrender.

I realise now that I have been living life just wanting to land on my feet but it’s only in recovery that I finally landed on my knees.

What does surrender look like for me?

Well, I acknowledge that alone I am powerless over my sexual addiction and without practicing the basics and living a life of surrender to God and service to others I am doomed to repeat the rituals that landed me in the pit.

My addiction was basically my own life choice to practice idolatry and worship my false god, an ever-changing engraven image, worship of the created and not the creator.

Now my days are tasked with simply choosing grace over shame.

Remember that we deal with sex addiction, cunning, baffling, powerful!

Taken from “how it works“

To this day I struggle to explain how I got to where I did with pornography. The time, the deception, the boundaries crossed and the contradictions I lived with.

Patrick Carnes explains often how pursuit of novelty leads to a hijacking of the reward system. This is often manifested in youth and when it hits the sexual awakening of adolescence it can lead to potent compulsive behaviour, this gateway is evident in many shares in the rooms of recovery. Whether someone acts out in fantasy, voyeurism, exposure, with pornography, with prostitutes or extra marital affairs the one thing that we all relate to is the unmanageability of our illness.

I often used to tell myself nobody in their right mind would do what I would do, to sit in front of a screen from bedtime to dawn downloading as much pornography as I could find, then delete it all in a purge of shame and guilt, I would see so much I wouldn’t even masturbate or even be able to get an erection, It was a night shift with no real outcome other than exhaustion, shame, irritability and depression.

My browsing habits had strayed outside of my sexual template a long time ago, I would see the shocking as normal and the normal as boring, I was for want of a better word insane.

The science at play in my descent into oblivion was the Coolidge effect, the genetic wiring that fires at the suggestion of sexual novelty, like the meme it’s the head turning mechanism that all males feel in defiance of all other rationale or commitment, this video explains it better than I could.

In human beings, the Coolidge effect can help explain the tendency to seek out new or varied sexual experiences, which can become problematic when it leads to compulsive or addictive behaviors, such as excessive pornography consumption, promiscuity, or infidelity.

In my years as an evolving sex and porn addict I wore out my brains sense of novelty, the chemicals released in moments of arousal through porn, light up the brain in the same way that a heroin addicts brain appears in a scan. I said once I felt like Porn was a drug to me and I had happened upon a crack den before I truly learnt I needed help.

The brains ability to ply the breaks and say enough in such intense brain chemical states becomes more difficult, dopamine release solidifies and reinforces a behaviour, pretty soon the mechanism of reward wears off and to get a comparable dopaminergic response the stimulus or dose has to be increased, this tolerance applies to porn in the same way a dose of a drug does.

In my case I would over dose so much my addiction wasn’t taking place between my legs but between my ears.

Here’s Harvard explaining how addiction works.

In other posts I discuss how some of the professional field treats sex addiction with much stigma and taboo. It is often said that sex addiction is an excuse of morally flawed people when they get caught. The medical field differ in opinions over whether it’s a disorder, a legit addiction or a disease.

In my experience sex addiction is the easiest to hide of all addictions, costs nothing monetary wise if porn is your gateway but can and will cost you your family, friends, livelihood and even life if left to run your life.

The very nature of sex addiction will always be steeped in shame, the boundaries that some sex addicts cross can do great harm to others, can break the law and lead to legal consequences, social alienation, extreme remorse and self hatred.

When I first heard the saying “the opposite of addiction is connection” I couldn’t help but scoff a little but in actual fact it is the most true thing I have learnt. Years of secrecy, shame and isolation disconnected me from friends, family my partner and most tragically myself.

Social media became a place to broadcast a me I wanted to be, my authentic self but it merely solidified the fact I was living a double life and I needed to stop.

I thank God for the love and support I have. Despite my early cynical thoughts that I didn’t need others or some program, the twelve steps have been a safe community based on a collective desire to change, providing tools for change, a brotherhood and a place to belong and find purpose in serving others.

Alone though I feel the progress may have been slower and it’s been my investment in myself by pursuing therapy, in truth my therapist encouraged me towards the twelve steps initially. In my opinion the best therapists dealing with addiction will always encourage an addict to a place to connect with others in recovery.

I know my story, how this all started as a child, I know the pain that has been present most of my life and that my stunted sexual identity found comfort in the counterfeit. I know too what I need to do, recovery isn’t celibacy but rather experiencing physical intimacy in a more deep and meaningful way than I had ever experienced before. It will take time, patience and commitment. The one thing is that despite the science and information at hand to help understand things I don’t think I ever will get why I explored the avenues I did.

So if you’re struggling to get your head around how someone could do certain things you are not alone, I like to think I get it a lot more but in truth it will always be cunning, baffling and powerful.

Some useful articles:

• https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/brain-activity-in-sex-addiction-mirrors-that-of-drug-addiction
• https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4600144/
• https://www.addictioncenter.com/community/is-porn-addiction-real/

We live in a world now where mobile computers have changed everything, I often think back to the 90s when lads mags, Oasis and video games filled the time that I wasn’t kicking a football around in the park.

I was about 12 years old when I first came into conscious contact with pornography, my parents in some way must have thought it healthier to have a stash under the bed than the torn-out pages from papers or smuggling the catalogue with the lingerie section into my room.

When I think back the very first time I came across a magazine it was my birth father’s stash and I would have been about 6, my uncle some 3 years older and his friends were talking about nude mags and I said I could get one. I had no idea of what it meant back then but only a few years later it would become my easy way out. My escape.

Pat Carnes is the sex addicts version of Dr Bob, he was one of the first who wrote about sex addiction back in 1983 in the book Out of the Shadows, and many others since, he explained in recent times on the beyond theory podcast that a common path for males is formative years involve a hijacking of the reward system with video games which hits a whole other level when coming of age with pornography and the internet.

This has more recently been built upon with data from fight the new drug – https://fightthenewdrug.org/whats-the-research-video-game-addiction-linked-compulsive-porn-2/

I have observed this in my story and many shares of fellow recovering sex addicts and also observe it in friends and colleagues, the cultural normalising of video games and porn that led to a lot of my distorted thinking being propped up, thinking everyone is probably doing what im doing just nobody talks about it.

Here in 2023 and I am in the age demographic who’s pornography addiction dates back to a time before all this internet, I can remember a time before you could type in anything you can think of and a screen will show you what it can find. In my day it was magazine and video, as technology evolved so did my addiction.

I meet guys now who have never known anything but limitless novelty at a time where people are becoming less and less connected. For those who are old enough to remember viagra or to use it’s generic name sildenafil was a hit with older men who could no longer function fully due to age-related factors, now we have impotence drugs marketed towards guys in their 20s and they even allude to Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction being one of the contributing factors in this demographic.

In recovery I have seen just how much tech is designed to hijack our reward system, apps rely on algorithm and the doom scroll is a part of normal everyday life.

Internet Gaming Disorder has a greater backing from the DSM-5 than Sex Addiction which is frustrating, I have previously said whatever it is referred to as in a text book means little to me as my priority is that I am well and living as my authentic self.

A big purpose I feel in recovery is to take all I have learnt from my mess and poor life choices to help others find freedom and healing in their own journeys, there are innumerable folks entering rooms around the world, some have the self-awareness to seek help while others find their way into the rooms through hitting rock bottom and others being stopped by the law.

When I describe how bad things were for me to newcomers to the program I am reminded just how insane and unwell I was in “the bubble” as I describe my acting out behaviours would feel like someone else was taking the wheel and as a passenger I knew I was going to feel like shit and I still found myself along for the ride anyway.

My challenge with living in this game of phones era is to embrace help and accountability with tech, tools like Covenant Eyes and Screentime tools mean I can say to someone this stuff is just too difficult for me alone and I am willing to lay down my “right to privacy” knowing that secrecy is more the apt word for the things I have struggled with. I am glad that most late nights on my phone or computer now involve blog posting, podcasts or YouTube.

Tech is a great tool but a terrible master.