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Unpacking the subconscious

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The dream is a little hidden door in the innermost and most secret recesses of the soul

Carl Jung

A night of heavy dreaming left me more tired than before. Yesterday was a busy and emotionally taxing day. Life, in general, is, to be fair, challenging, but such things are beyond our control. All that is within our control is to find peace amidst it.

Owning one’s truth can be difficult to live with, and sometimes that means living with the knowledge that others are aware of your most shameful times. I am living in a perpetual state of Step nine (striving to make amends) and will continue to do so for the remainder of my time.

Now that we have some context of where my head is at, I want to unpack my dreams. Some people believe that dreams have spiritual significance, harking back to ancient times. Dreams are like our subconscious minds showing us things, and if we are willing to explore them, they can help settle certain emotional states.

I dreamt I was with a mix of a couple of ex-girlfriends. I say “girlfriend,” but I now realize that many of my former partners were fellow broken souls searching for something no human could offer. We found in each other respite from our own indiscernible pain.

This beautiful chimera was a blend of everything that excited me about the chaos. The sex I thought was fantastic, but it was devoid of real intimacy because it lacked something truly human. In the dream, I was right back there, feeling desired and enough, but as I often failed to see with such partners, completely disposable.

My dream then shifted to show me something painful—a loved one in a hospital bed. I’ve come to love this person as we walked shoulder to shoulder, and I feel I have, in a tangible earthly way, someone whom God uses to show up for me and let me know I am not alone.

In real life, this is a wonderful friend and journeyman, but in my dream, this person represented my fear of loss. When you open yourself up in a truly human way, you have to embrace the risk of loss, hurt, and all the pain that might come with it. It’s how we truly get to live—by embracing the full spectrum of life and not being selective.

I experienced this feeling and fear when I fell in love with my puppy. She won’t be around forever, and one day will come great pain and loss. But in between, all the colorful joys that come with it, there’s limitless love and acceptance.

Back to the dream, I let the girl walk away, and true to my experiences, she moved on relatively quickly. But this time, I didn’t dwell or jump to the next with a ball of emotions thinking, “next, next.”

I then took a call from a friend. A friend who said, “I know what’s going on, mate, and you’re not alone. I know you’re more than what you’ve done, and I’ve seen day in and day out for years now what you’ve done to make amends. You spread more life now than you ever peeked at death.”

This friend represented hope, hope that I will be seen not through the prism of my worst actions but rather through my authentic life in colour.

As I lay here thinking, I have a day to get on with, and I conclude from this busy night of dreams, I see the important lesson. Acting out or using others to medicate feeds one another’s pain for a moment, yielding nothing because it risks nothing emotional, sure, you can take risks that wreak havoc in life but we addicts throw that dice every time. This stuff is deeper than addiction.

When we love, we have to be willing to experience it all—the good, the bad, all weathers, and even loss.

When I traveled out of my mess, I was like the prodigal son Jesus spoke of. I was truly spent, broken, and my choice was mud, death, or redemption. I may or may not be forgiven in men’s eyes, but if I make myself a servant, it will be better than the mess I made. True to the story, while it is not without cost, I am restored, I have worth, and I am accepted.

There are no “real” relationships without this risk, and the only fee is to be open. The world offers counterfeit love, so I have to wonder why I spent so long with my microwave meal when I now get to experience the Father’s banquet.

Letting Go Absolutely

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Almost 2 years into this and I have still a lot of work to do with surrendering my will and trusting my power greater than myself with my future, my addiction is like a soundboard that’s there with its distorted thinking and well-worn tropes about women, sex and pornography, which always seems to pipe up like that pissed up uncle at a wedding with no verbal filter.

For so much of my life things have always felt out of control and stressful, my childhood was traumatic, my adulthood stunted and riddled with emotional hurt and the loss of a baby to a rare condition led to me boxing up all hurts and toughening up just like people said I should, life then became a projection, a managed press release of who I was and social media made it easier to live this way.

In the throws of all that life has sent my way the only thing in life that made me feel like I could handle the ups and downs was the ability to regulate, albeit in a very unhealthy way, I mean how could I have possibly thought that compulsive masturbation mixed with full night binges surfing limitless pornography was a normal or healthy thing to do.

Sun rises were not moments to be present and grateful, more disgusted, tired, and ashamed that I had spent yet another night secretly digging around the digital highway before forcing me to go sleep ready for another day of work, the double life of an addict means you eat, sleep and breathe with contradictions.

There’s a part of the Alcoholics Anonymous big book that says this:

“Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely”.

That’s the challenge that I have to embrace everyday, to let go absolutely, there is a but here though, I feel, there is never a final victory or a final defeat for an addict. I may be a little pessimistic here but I feel it’s being grounded in humility to admit that this stuff is just too “cunning, baffling and powerful”

I must admit it often feels likes groundhog day but this is no comedy and I’m not Bill Murray.

For now, letting go absolutely, looks like handing over control of my privacy when it comes to the internet, it’s saying I cannot be trusted to drive myself, all of my best efforts landed me in a right mess.

Accountability is both a consequence and a rescuer to me. My devices are all kept safe using Covenant Eyes and along with the 12 Steps and therapy it has been a vital tool for me to coexist with modernity.

It’s been a trial and improvement journey to adopt and embrace the laying down of my “rights” to safeguard myself from the poison of the “world wide vine”.

Today I am grateful that my devices are monitored and my sponsor gets a daily report of my usage, it can be funny at times with what sets off the explicit alerts but I am glad to have the boundaries.

When I sit in my plastic chair each week I know I am not alone in this struggle, I often feel incompatible with the technological age we live it, it has been like a coercive drug dealer and now in recovery is a tool for me to spread hope and awareness.

I know that behind me are scores of future fellows so when it gets tough I have to remind myself it isn’t all about me, my experience can be someone else’s hope in their darkest hole, and that is why I have to choose to let go absolutely, every sunrise, sunset and through the night until the daylight shows up once more.

All things in moderation

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I really feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude tonight for the program and the fellowship, I shared tonight about how I feel at times, that I step back into the ring with myself and it feels a lot like the old days. As I shared it dawned on me that my “acting in” can have a dual aspect to it, I rely heavily on looking at myself and reflecting on things but sometimes spending time alone with the mirror can get dark. My language was that of struggle and in reality, serenity is peace in the waves so the “room” was pointing out something to me tonight that helps me to correct my compass.

So we know what acting out is, so let’s look at acting in, what is it?

Acting in is a concept in addiction recovery that refers to turning one’s attention inward and focusing on inner experiences, thoughts, and emotions. It is a process of self-reflection and self-awareness that can help individuals identify triggers and patterns of behaviour related to addiction, as well as develop coping skills and strategies to manage cravings and urges.

Acting in involves a deliberate effort to cultivate mindfulness and presence in the moment, as well as an acceptance of one’s internal experiences without judgment or avoidance. This can be challenging, as individuals in addiction recovery often have a history of numbing or avoiding emotions and experiences through engaging in addictive behaviours.

By practising acting in, individuals can learn to identify and address underlying emotional and psychological issues that may contribute to addiction, such as anxiety, depression, trauma, or low self-esteem. It can also help individuals develop a greater sense of self-awareness and self-compassion, which can be instrumental in the recovery process.

Some common techniques for practising acting in, in addiction recovery include meditation, journaling, art therapy, and cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT). These techniques can help individuals develop greater self-awareness and mindfulness, as well as provide an outlet for expressing and processing difficult emotions and experiences.

While acting in can be a positive and helpful approach to addiction recovery, it can also have negative consequences if it is taken too far or used inappropriately. Here are some ways that acting in can be negative:

  1. Avoidance: One of the risks of acting in is that it can become a way of avoiding difficult emotions or situations. While it is important to be aware of and process internal experiences, it is equally important to engage with the outside world and face challenges and stressors head-on. If acting in becomes a way of avoiding or numbing emotions, it can hinder rather than facilitate recovery.
  2. Isolation: Another risk of acting in is that it can lead to isolation and social withdrawal. While it is important to cultivate self-awareness and introspection, it is equally important to maintain social connections and support networks. Isolation can lead to feelings of loneliness and despair, which can contribute to relapse.
  3. Rumination: When individuals engage in acting in, they may spend a lot of time analyzing and dissecting their thoughts and emotions. While this can be helpful in moderation, excessive rumination can lead to a negative spiral of negative self-talk and obsessive thinking. This can increase feelings of anxiety and depression, which can also contribute to relapse.
  4. Lack of action: Acting in can sometimes be seen as a substitute for action or change. While it is important to be self-aware and reflective, it is equally important to take concrete steps towards recovery, such as seeking treatment, engaging in healthy activities, and building a support system.

While acting in can be a helpful approach to addiction recovery, it is important to use it in moderation and in conjunction with other strategies. Balancing my acting in with my connection to others is a key aspect of addiction recovery. By cultivating social connections and seeking support from others, individuals in addiction recovery can enhance their overall well-being and increase their chances of achieving lasting recovery.

To put it simply, reaching out to others has to accompany my routine of self-care, it’s why calls are so important to 12 Steppers, today was a great day, I had about 5 calls, a meeting and did a bit of service purchasing as my role requires.

Here’s to serenity and peace within the noise, remembering one day at a time and don’t go it alone.

Here’s a song I can’t get out of my head

The Roots of this Tree

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I returned home from an Easter adventure, going away these days is really special to me and coming back even more so.

I spent some time with a close friend and made a new friend in the process, there is something about being with others in the outdoors that transcends our background, standing, class, wealth and just about anything else you can think of that normally makes people different.

As we walked up the mountain taking small steps we seemed to take turns with who was leading the way.

I live in a flat area and my local national park offers some modest hills and one or two that just about qualify as mountains in name only. These proper mountains however are always a reminder that I don’t have the legs I think I have and I have some way to go before my coastal marathon.

The escape from modernity is always a small but regular required dose of medicine for me, it’s how I manage stress in a much healthier way than I did with my sexual compulsivity.

Along with this temporary environment hack is the shared experience in the presence of others. I have a great time on my own when camping and hiking but its much more memorable and rewarding when experienced with others.

On the way back to a small and beautiful village I spied this tree, it’s image caused me to linger and a thought process was sparked.

Seeing the exposed root system of a tree and the scar of the earth when a tree is uprooted is quite a sight, much like my life over the last couple of years. The initial storm uprooted me and I had to accept those roots could never take to the ground again.

My sexuality got hijacked at the age of twelve, I came into contact with far too much graphic material and with the best part of a quarter of a century later it is of little surprise that I had picked up a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms, behaviours, obsessions and distorted thinking. The roots had grown deep over the years.

The upset and fallout from coming to terms with my reality has meant there is a hole of time, headspace and priorities that I get to fill with better choices, behaviours and experiences.

Outer circle living is one of the most important parts of my life, in AA we have the script that says “I know I am to get along without acting out, but how am I to do so, do I have a sufficient substitute? Yes and it’s vastly more than that.

If you ask a room full of sex addicts what Penal Substitution means you may get an inappropriate answer but in short its the biblical concept that Jesus provided the atonement for us where we could never measure up under our own endeavours.

While the program is non religious I mention this as the program allows us to admit defeat and face the facts that we will never conquer this problem in one sitting or alone. The concept of a higher power is the foundational tool of recovery.

The program can seem a little cult like from a set of new eyes or those of an outsider. I often refer back to the concept that regardless of religious belief or any hangups about the G word that sex and pornography was my God, I was faithful and devoted in my worship to this false deity, I served earnestly and I diligently sought out the iconography associated with my life of secret rituals and sacrifice of dignity and self worth.

I guess that’s the point, addictions are spiritual illnesses or maladies, they are misplaced worship of powers greater than ourselves, we simply find in our quest for our higher power in recovery a substitution for our worn-out false gods.

In the place of the uprooted tree, I hope that I may continue in this journey of healthy spirituality, no churches, no pulpits and no pretence. Just a desire to connect and to serve my fellow man in the endeavour of a life free of our addictions.

I used to listen to this song called rootless tree, it feels like it’s taken on new meaning to me in recent times, it seems to capture the voice that was always crying out to be free.

Recovery is breaking up from the toxic relationship with myself, the abusive and destructive voice constantly saying I was never good enough, and the gravity of the secrecy that enslaved and incarcerated me for years no longer has the same power it once had.