Tag: addict

Sunset

Finding some balance

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Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.

Bruce Lee

This post is a reflection on the journey of finding balance. For many of us the twelve-step program serves as a “sufficient substitute” for our addiction and it makes sense, as the regimen of life in recovery demands new patterns and processes, gradually shaping new pathways in thinking and acting.

At times, I’ve been guilty of religiously dedicating myself to service. While service has kept me relatively sane, sober, and in a much healthier place in life, I’ve made mistakes in judgment and decisions. I’m grateful to now recognise these errors.

For instance, insisting on attending a meeting on our anniversary wasn’t wrong in itself, but my bullish attitude in refusing to take a day off was. While some might view this dedication as commendable in recovery circles, I realised it left my loving partner feeling let down.

I’ve also allowed my program to dominate conversations countless times and I struggled with managing my time better, often being late or absent from life due to taking and making calls. Don’t misunderstand me here, these aren’t necessarily negative things but rather manifestations of my incapacity to empathize with loved ones and see things from anothers’ perspective.

Approaching three years on this journey, I’m filled with gratitude for the growth, accountability, and newfound love for life. From shame to grace, from seeing suicide as a sensible option to cherishing life and my fellow man, it’s been a transformative experience.

My addiction had been futile attempts to find and maintain balance on my own terms, resulting in a constant struggle and a paradoxical existence filled with pain, “just the once was too much and never enough for me”

The balance I seek now is one I receive and rest in, rather than striving for with sheer stubbornness. I’ve been reflecting on how God doesn’t promise us happiness or an easy life but rather the strength to endure a difficult one. While happiness may elude us, peace is far more important.

This year, my personal goals revolve around being kinder to myself and taking better care of my well-being to continue being of use to others. This includes participating in marathon and ultra events, as running brings discipline and solitude without isolation. Additionally, I plan to reconnect with music, whether playing at open mics or ministering through song, as it’s an integral part of who I am.

I also aim to grow my business, embrace the future with my beloved, and continue to make amends to those I’ve hurt, especially my family and myself.

Here’s to staying present while recognising that my program of living, supported by a loving God, is the foundation holding my life together, rather than my ego’s attempt to cosplay God and “conduct the orchestra”

Triggers

Making the world smaller

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In a world that is full of issues which cause worry and often draw a line in the sand and beckon people to take a stance, I see more that divides than unites us at present. Whether it’s Ukraine and Russia or more recently the State of Israel and the displaced Palestinians, whenever there is a flag to wave and a side to pick, we find the most dangerous of human behaviors at play. But it’s not just about geopolitics or warfare.

Objectifying and dehumanising are alive and well in many ways among us. For all our modern-day virtue, we see people are easily othered, described, and treated as objects, devalued for their humanity. Empathy is displayed with profile picture banners and solidarity with buying a particular product or taking part in a social media trend.

I speak on this as one with life experience. The apostle Paul referred to himself as the “chief of sinners.” As he wrote to others knowing full well his own past behaviours.

This post isn’t some rant of a hypocrite or someone trying to compare themselves to an apostle, nor is it about the state of the world but the observations of a flawed man. I am a cautionary tale in the perils of sexual objectification and ultimately the dehumanizing that grew out of unchecked thinking.

I have to check myself when I participate in othering and that often means dipping out of political discourse, not joining in with people gossiping about or judging others, such situations are a breeding ground for my character defects. I have to conduct myself through the mirror as it shows me the only person I need to try to steer.

I hope that we as a people wake up to the slumber that modernity has lulled us into and see how easy it is to judge and devalue others, I was asked once how I was able to look at sexual content with such a lack of care for the humans on the screen. All I could say was that I believed I had seen so much that I had dissociated what I would see on a screen from real life.

I make reflective observations about myself more than others now, but I have had to make it a smaller place to live as I often see peoples pain a lot easier than before, Empathy was always suppressed for me when I used porn to shut down negative emotions.

In recovery I experience the full spectrum of emotions, it’s both the best and worst thing about being sexually sober.

The feelings now at play are like the overwhelming senses from a clip I reflect on from “The Man of Steel.” The young Clark’s senses were in overdrive that it was too much pressure; it was consuming. His mother’s answer was to make the world a little smaller and just focus on her voice.

If I focus on the issues of the world around us, I try not to take sides and instead try to see the humans in the headlines. Be that the latest celebrity pile-on or the next political issue that many pick sides on. My role is only to make better choices in my own life, not to control anyone but take accountability for my own actions.

Most sources of worry about the world can be filtered through the serenity prayer.

I pray too that I don’t slide down the slope of objectification, as I never want to fall off that cliff again.

Unpacking the subconscious

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The dream is a little hidden door in the innermost and most secret recesses of the soul

Carl Jung

A night of heavy dreaming left me more tired than before. Yesterday was a busy and emotionally taxing day. Life, in general, is, to be fair, challenging, but such things are beyond our control. All that is within our control is to find peace amidst it.

Owning one’s truth can be difficult to live with, and sometimes that means living with the knowledge that others are aware of your most shameful times. I am living in a perpetual state of Step nine (striving to make amends) and will continue to do so for the remainder of my time.

Now that we have some context of where my head is at, I want to unpack my dreams. Some people believe that dreams have spiritual significance, harking back to ancient times. Dreams are like our subconscious minds showing us things, and if we are willing to explore them, they can help settle certain emotional states.

I dreamt I was with a mix of a couple of ex-girlfriends. I say “girlfriend,” but I now realize that many of my former partners were fellow broken souls searching for something no human could offer. We found in each other respite from our own indiscernible pain.

This beautiful chimera was a blend of everything that excited me about the chaos. The sex I thought was fantastic, but it was devoid of real intimacy because it lacked something truly human. In the dream, I was right back there, feeling desired and enough, but as I often failed to see with such partners, completely disposable.

My dream then shifted to show me something painful—a loved one in a hospital bed. I’ve come to love this person as we walked shoulder to shoulder, and I feel I have, in a tangible earthly way, someone whom God uses to show up for me and let me know I am not alone.

In real life, this is a wonderful friend and journeyman, but in my dream, this person represented my fear of loss. When you open yourself up in a truly human way, you have to embrace the risk of loss, hurt, and all the pain that might come with it. It’s how we truly get to live—by embracing the full spectrum of life and not being selective.

I experienced this feeling and fear when I fell in love with my puppy. She won’t be around forever, and one day will come great pain and loss. But in between, all the colorful joys that come with it, there’s limitless love and acceptance.

Back to the dream, I let the girl walk away, and true to my experiences, she moved on relatively quickly. But this time, I didn’t dwell or jump to the next with a ball of emotions thinking, “next, next.”

I then took a call from a friend. A friend who said, “I know what’s going on, mate, and you’re not alone. I know you’re more than what you’ve done, and I’ve seen day in and day out for years now what you’ve done to make amends. You spread more life now than you ever peeked at death.”

This friend represented hope, hope that I will be seen not through the prism of my worst actions but rather through my authentic life in colour.

As I lay here thinking, I have a day to get on with, and I conclude from this busy night of dreams, I see the important lesson. Acting out or using others to medicate feeds one another’s pain for a moment, yielding nothing because it risks nothing emotional, sure, you can take risks that wreak havoc in life but we addicts throw that dice every time. This stuff is deeper than addiction.

When we love, we have to be willing to experience it all—the good, the bad, all weathers, and even loss.

When I traveled out of my mess, I was like the prodigal son Jesus spoke of. I was truly spent, broken, and my choice was mud, death, or redemption. I may or may not be forgiven in men’s eyes, but if I make myself a servant, it will be better than the mess I made. True to the story, while it is not without cost, I am restored, I have worth, and I am accepted.

There are no “real” relationships without this risk, and the only fee is to be open. The world offers counterfeit love, so I have to wonder why I spent so long with my microwave meal when I now get to experience the Father’s banquet.

Finding shelter from the storm

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The first and basic rule of survival in any handbook is shelter. I think on some level it’s why I love camping so much. There’s something about traveling on foot and being present for the journey—the ups and downs, the fatigue of a climb, and the elation of the summits. Then, pitching your home for the night to rest up. You pack up the following morning and return home with a soft reboot of the mind.

In this week’s meeting, we focused on the three circles. This first and basic tool in recovery allows us to define our abstinence and helps us start managing our lives better by avoiding the gravity of the core behaviors that we ritualized and solidified in our addiction.

We will focus on the good stuff—the outer circle, which I see as “what I get to do and things we should do.” These are generally positive things that may mirror, in some way, our dangerous rituals. As we find new ways to live life on life’s terms, these become substitutes or other choices when triggers inevitably arise in life.

These could be hobbies, spending time with friends, participating in service to others. In short, they are positive activities that contribute to our healthy lifestyle in recovery.

In fact, these are the things your authentic self loves to do. However, addiction often took priority, causing these things to be sidelined years ago. In my case, I had moved nearer to the coast years ago, and only in recovery did I start to explore wanting to surf again. Years ago, I loved watching and playing snooker, and only in recovery did I give this any time.

So, what do I mean by mirroring our addictive behavior in our recovery? Well, all things start with a first thought, an idea. In addiction recovery, we put in a lot of work to understand what goes wrong. Sometimes it’s good to study what goes right.

Lately, life has gotten peak stressful, fearful, and taken me to peak remorseful. Now more than ever, I feel like I’m just desperate for ways to cope. I want to act out, I want to smoke, and I have been turning to food, letting the healthy things I love slip.

Using my outer circle, I thought I could use a night out on the hills. That first thought or idea passes the test, but it’s only as my thoughts linger on that idea that I think about when I will next have an opportunity. Then I need to plan, prepare, pack the bag, the car, and set off to the national park, and then park up and hike. Only after completing all these tasks do I get the payoff of pitching the tent and enjoying the serenity of healthy isolation, which for me is time spent with my higher power.

Life is at times a storm. The addict in me used to believe the lie that my rituals change the weather. But recovery shows me that I am not the conductor of this orchestra. I can take shelter and take care of myself, and it is in this admission that I feel I am able to let go absolutely of the former things.

The heart of the matter

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This is a big one tonight, the world seems like a noisy place for me at the moment.

One of my healthy habits and hobbies is to head for the hills for a night under the stars. That night me and my dog packed up to head home as the better half had a tough night due to my stuff making life complicated.

As my mind spiralled with guilt I took a moment to stare up at the stars. I had a moment there just contemplating the size of the universe and reminding myself that the world still turns and no matter how tough I may find things at times it doesn’t all revolve around my mistakes and shortfalls of yesterday.

Gabor Maté says don’t ask why the addiction, ask why the pain? This is the heart of addiction, this imbalance, pain, turmoil, and stress. In my case, I turned to pornography to address any imbalance I could encounter. I often used to wonder why I was never stressed like anyone else. I never allowed myself to feel and experience life and its struggles as my anaesthetic would numb all of that, my brain was able to provide its very own depressing antidepressant, thus my feedback loop would repeat over and over again with various intensities.

Life in the bubble was fuelled by pain and only created more, the worst kind of renewable energy.

Tonight I sat in my plastic chair like every other week, before the meeting I was asked by a new fellow about sponsorship and if I would be willing to get them going with the program.

At times the man I see in the mirror is one I place a varying value on, the stocks and shares in the market of self are erratic lately so someone seeing that I model something in recovery that they want is a reminder that experience, strength and hope doesn’t diminish or lose value just because you go through tough times. What an honour to help someone this way.

This same fellow shared about a painful life event and a sadness I knew too well, that life event was the biggest bump in the road for me, my friends witnessed how I went off the rails in a spiral of drugs, serial dating, depression and acting out with porn the only way I knew how.

I had named this pain in therapy and with my sponsor and the handful of fellows in calls but not really in the rooms. Naming the pain and learning to live with it has been such a big part of recovery. The grief I never allowed myself to feel is now diagnosed along with my addiction.

The mess of my childhood was something I always told myself I would make right when I became a parent and when I realised my very genetic fabric caused the loss of who would have been my son, I boarded it all up and dusted myself off, “it is what it is”, I used to tell myself. With each new prospective partner came that chat, the, I am not a good bet if you want kids to chat. When was the right time to bring that one up? It added even more anxiety to sex which was already hampered by porn-induced ED. What if I get someone else pregnant and another baby has a terminal illness.

The worst part was the lifeless labour, it delivered no cries, only unimaginable pain. Seeing a clearly not well and not fully formed lifeless baby was an image etched on my eyes forever and nothing has hurt more than what I saw that day.

Even there though, I beheld wonder, the tiny and perfect fingerprints filled me with awe but this felt cruel. Hands that barely spanned my fingertips were so tiny and wonderfully made.

This is the answer to my why the pain.

This answer has a name, he was called Morgan and at 23 weeks he never drew a breath but he would be a teenager now. Part of my step nine amends to myself is my plan to take a little stone with me as I make my way, its counterpart will be with him where he is, and the other with me to place on every summit and adventure I embark upon.

Fearfully and wonderfully made – Psalm 139

Only the 12 steps, therapy and the support and love of others have helped me come to terms with all this all these years later.

If I spend too long on the why of my addiction I find nothing but contempt for myself, I hate what I did, if I learn to live with my why the pain, I can live one day at a time in serenity.

Higher Power is Purpose

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Where there is no vision, the people perish

Proverbs 29:18

My whole life I have abused my ability to see, if the eyes are the window to the soul, I have defiled them with my vision since I was a child, all the while living my life without a true vision. I would name this post double vision but that would be focussing on the problem.

This week I shared at a neighbouring fellowship and as I spoke something clicked, the words power and purpose are interchangeable in recovery. The one thing that kept me alive beyond the initial feelings of wanting to end my life was that if I could survive this and help others, that might just be enough reason to keep going.

That purpose of serving others, taking all this mess and hurt and somehow working it into some form of good has been the driving force behind this whole journey thus far, for all the talk of higher power and wrestling that some experience because of whether one believes in God or not I would simply say “struggle with the God stuff, that’s fine but find your purpose! you will find your power.”

I lived my life chasing the next promotion, the better paycheck or seeking the admiration of others. I used to message girls just to get some compliments and only then tell them I was in a relationship, if I was a droid I had a bad motivator. (pardon the star wars speak) I was destined to perish for my lack of vision.

The subjects of betrayal and trauma are ones I can empathise with greatly, we addicts can hurt those we love the most and we really do have to own that.

At times I conflate a loved one’s hurt feelings with my own character defects, and that is an error in judgement on my part, you see for me to be well, I have to guard against self-pity and gloom speak.

It’s crucial that when it comes to anyone else’s feelings or thoughts, it is not my place to dwell or take defence. Instead, I focus on amends and living as my authentic self with a sense of purpose I had previously lacked.

If a connection is the opposite of addiction then having a purpose focused on serving one’s fellow man is a noble endeavour and for all you give away you receive more, it’s almost a spiritual transaction which is why the literature pulls no punches in its religious undertones, the concepts we tap into are the opposite of our self-serving addict personas, the programme really becomes a sufficient substitute.

My partner said that she often feels overwhelmed and while she fully supports me in my recovery it can at times be a little much, my response was that the time to worry is when I am not obsessed with my recovery, I give it the same diligence and priority that my acting out held for so much of my life, but I agreed that we would need to find some boundaries as my being present for the moment isn’t just to keep me on the straight and narrow but also to facilitate my showing up for those in my life.

Letting Go Absolutely

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Almost 2 years into this and I have still a lot of work to do with surrendering my will and trusting my power greater than myself with my future, my addiction is like a soundboard that’s there with its distorted thinking and well-worn tropes about women, sex and pornography, which always seems to pipe up like that pissed up uncle at a wedding with no verbal filter.

For so much of my life things have always felt out of control and stressful, my childhood was traumatic, my adulthood stunted and riddled with emotional hurt and the loss of a baby to a rare condition led to me boxing up all hurts and toughening up just like people said I should, life then became a projection, a managed press release of who I was and social media made it easier to live this way.

In the throws of all that life has sent my way the only thing in life that made me feel like I could handle the ups and downs was the ability to regulate, albeit in a very unhealthy way, I mean how could I have possibly thought that compulsive masturbation mixed with full night binges surfing limitless pornography was a normal or healthy thing to do.

Sun rises were not moments to be present and grateful, more disgusted, tired, and ashamed that I had spent yet another night secretly digging around the digital highway before forcing me to go sleep ready for another day of work, the double life of an addict means you eat, sleep and breathe with contradictions.

There’s a part of the Alcoholics Anonymous big book that says this:

“Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely”.

That’s the challenge that I have to embrace everyday, to let go absolutely, there is a but here though, I feel, there is never a final victory or a final defeat for an addict. I may be a little pessimistic here but I feel it’s being grounded in humility to admit that this stuff is just too “cunning, baffling and powerful”

I must admit it often feels likes groundhog day but this is no comedy and I’m not Bill Murray.

For now, letting go absolutely, looks like handing over control of my privacy when it comes to the internet, it’s saying I cannot be trusted to drive myself, all of my best efforts landed me in a right mess.

Accountability is both a consequence and a rescuer to me. My devices are all kept safe using Covenant Eyes and along with the 12 Steps and therapy it has been a vital tool for me to coexist with modernity.

It’s been a trial and improvement journey to adopt and embrace the laying down of my “rights” to safeguard myself from the poison of the “world wide vine”.

Today I am grateful that my devices are monitored and my sponsor gets a daily report of my usage, it can be funny at times with what sets off the explicit alerts but I am glad to have the boundaries.

When I sit in my plastic chair each week I know I am not alone in this struggle, I often feel incompatible with the technological age we live it, it has been like a coercive drug dealer and now in recovery is a tool for me to spread hope and awareness.

I know that behind me are scores of future fellows so when it gets tough I have to remind myself it isn’t all about me, my experience can be someone else’s hope in their darkest hole, and that is why I have to choose to let go absolutely, every sunrise, sunset and through the night until the daylight shows up once more.

All things in moderation

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I really feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude tonight for the program and the fellowship, I shared tonight about how I feel at times, that I step back into the ring with myself and it feels a lot like the old days. As I shared it dawned on me that my “acting in” can have a dual aspect to it, I rely heavily on looking at myself and reflecting on things but sometimes spending time alone with the mirror can get dark. My language was that of struggle and in reality, serenity is peace in the waves so the “room” was pointing out something to me tonight that helps me to correct my compass.

So we know what acting out is, so let’s look at acting in, what is it?

Acting in is a concept in addiction recovery that refers to turning one’s attention inward and focusing on inner experiences, thoughts, and emotions. It is a process of self-reflection and self-awareness that can help individuals identify triggers and patterns of behaviour related to addiction, as well as develop coping skills and strategies to manage cravings and urges.

Acting in involves a deliberate effort to cultivate mindfulness and presence in the moment, as well as an acceptance of one’s internal experiences without judgment or avoidance. This can be challenging, as individuals in addiction recovery often have a history of numbing or avoiding emotions and experiences through engaging in addictive behaviours.

By practising acting in, individuals can learn to identify and address underlying emotional and psychological issues that may contribute to addiction, such as anxiety, depression, trauma, or low self-esteem. It can also help individuals develop a greater sense of self-awareness and self-compassion, which can be instrumental in the recovery process.

Some common techniques for practising acting in, in addiction recovery include meditation, journaling, art therapy, and cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT). These techniques can help individuals develop greater self-awareness and mindfulness, as well as provide an outlet for expressing and processing difficult emotions and experiences.

While acting in can be a positive and helpful approach to addiction recovery, it can also have negative consequences if it is taken too far or used inappropriately. Here are some ways that acting in can be negative:

  1. Avoidance: One of the risks of acting in is that it can become a way of avoiding difficult emotions or situations. While it is important to be aware of and process internal experiences, it is equally important to engage with the outside world and face challenges and stressors head-on. If acting in becomes a way of avoiding or numbing emotions, it can hinder rather than facilitate recovery.
  2. Isolation: Another risk of acting in is that it can lead to isolation and social withdrawal. While it is important to cultivate self-awareness and introspection, it is equally important to maintain social connections and support networks. Isolation can lead to feelings of loneliness and despair, which can contribute to relapse.
  3. Rumination: When individuals engage in acting in, they may spend a lot of time analyzing and dissecting their thoughts and emotions. While this can be helpful in moderation, excessive rumination can lead to a negative spiral of negative self-talk and obsessive thinking. This can increase feelings of anxiety and depression, which can also contribute to relapse.
  4. Lack of action: Acting in can sometimes be seen as a substitute for action or change. While it is important to be self-aware and reflective, it is equally important to take concrete steps towards recovery, such as seeking treatment, engaging in healthy activities, and building a support system.

While acting in can be a helpful approach to addiction recovery, it is important to use it in moderation and in conjunction with other strategies. Balancing my acting in with my connection to others is a key aspect of addiction recovery. By cultivating social connections and seeking support from others, individuals in addiction recovery can enhance their overall well-being and increase their chances of achieving lasting recovery.

To put it simply, reaching out to others has to accompany my routine of self-care, it’s why calls are so important to 12 Steppers, today was a great day, I had about 5 calls, a meeting and did a bit of service purchasing as my role requires.

Here’s to serenity and peace within the noise, remembering one day at a time and don’t go it alone.

Here’s a song I can’t get out of my head

The Roots of this Tree

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I returned home from an Easter adventure, going away these days is really special to me and coming back even more so.

I spent some time with a close friend and made a new friend in the process, there is something about being with others in the outdoors that transcends our background, standing, class, wealth and just about anything else you can think of that normally makes people different.

As we walked up the mountain taking small steps we seemed to take turns with who was leading the way.

I live in a flat area and my local national park offers some modest hills and one or two that just about qualify as mountains in name only. These proper mountains however are always a reminder that I don’t have the legs I think I have and I have some way to go before my coastal marathon.

The escape from modernity is always a small but regular required dose of medicine for me, it’s how I manage stress in a much healthier way than I did with my sexual compulsivity.

Along with this temporary environment hack is the shared experience in the presence of others. I have a great time on my own when camping and hiking but its much more memorable and rewarding when experienced with others.

On the way back to a small and beautiful village I spied this tree, it’s image caused me to linger and a thought process was sparked.

Seeing the exposed root system of a tree and the scar of the earth when a tree is uprooted is quite a sight, much like my life over the last couple of years. The initial storm uprooted me and I had to accept those roots could never take to the ground again.

My sexuality got hijacked at the age of twelve, I came into contact with far too much graphic material and with the best part of a quarter of a century later it is of little surprise that I had picked up a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms, behaviours, obsessions and distorted thinking. The roots had grown deep over the years.

The upset and fallout from coming to terms with my reality has meant there is a hole of time, headspace and priorities that I get to fill with better choices, behaviours and experiences.

Outer circle living is one of the most important parts of my life, in AA we have the script that says “I know I am to get along without acting out, but how am I to do so, do I have a sufficient substitute? Yes and it’s vastly more than that.

If you ask a room full of sex addicts what Penal Substitution means you may get an inappropriate answer but in short its the biblical concept that Jesus provided the atonement for us where we could never measure up under our own endeavours.

While the program is non religious I mention this as the program allows us to admit defeat and face the facts that we will never conquer this problem in one sitting or alone. The concept of a higher power is the foundational tool of recovery.

The program can seem a little cult like from a set of new eyes or those of an outsider. I often refer back to the concept that regardless of religious belief or any hangups about the G word that sex and pornography was my God, I was faithful and devoted in my worship to this false deity, I served earnestly and I diligently sought out the iconography associated with my life of secret rituals and sacrifice of dignity and self worth.

I guess that’s the point, addictions are spiritual illnesses or maladies, they are misplaced worship of powers greater than ourselves, we simply find in our quest for our higher power in recovery a substitution for our worn-out false gods.

In the place of the uprooted tree, I hope that I may continue in this journey of healthy spirituality, no churches, no pulpits and no pretence. Just a desire to connect and to serve my fellow man in the endeavour of a life free of our addictions.

I used to listen to this song called rootless tree, it feels like it’s taken on new meaning to me in recent times, it seems to capture the voice that was always crying out to be free.

Recovery is breaking up from the toxic relationship with myself, the abusive and destructive voice constantly saying I was never good enough, and the gravity of the secrecy that enslaved and incarcerated me for years no longer has the same power it once had.

Shame in a name?

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I’ve been called Adam, Aaron even Nick. It’s part of life, I know what it’s like remembering people’s names. It takes a while to etch them to memory and it isn’t personal.

It’s perfectly reasonable to correct people on something like this. But I haven’t, I wonder why that is.

Honestly, I think being the grey man is a survival instinct these days.

It’s been niggling me for weeks, I can’t shake this feeling of toxic regret and shame and my name seems to be a trigger. Every letter and phone call seems to make me wince a little.

I’m still angry at myself. I know the me of now is far different to the “few me’s ago”. Life evolves, we change and to define myself by the past is to willingly and knowingly place myself under shame.

I recently heard one of these online self-help soundbite gurus on a reel clip talk about how not correcting people when they get your name wrong means you don’t value yourself. Perhaps there’s some truth to this.

My thoughts are drawn to biblical figures who are renamed by God, Saul the persecutor became Paul the leader, and Simon the fisherman became Peter the rock.

The lesson here is not so much in the names and the meanings but more that they represent the death of the former and the life and new birth that follows. Out with the old and in with the new.

The phrase dying to self is a religious one but in my recovery its an important priority in my life, my own way leads to destruction and oblivion. By putting my ways to death it creates space, time and opportunity to be present and show up in my life.

The process of that death that gives life is what my self-care looks like. I guess what I wrestle with is that my name represents a stunted, flawed and broken individual and I am still trying to make peace with that past without avoiding ownership and accountability.

While walking with my partner today she jokingly said I’m tired so I’m going to sleep, we happened to be on a hike with a little bit further to go, she closed her eyes as I held her hand and carried on walking and thought I was going to lead her in a ditch so she opened her eyes. I laughed and said, the problem isn’t where I will lead you, it’s that you don’t trust me.

This was a bolt of lightning moment for me. It’s exactly what my relationship is with my higher power, letting go of the steering wheel is so hard to do. Coping with life’s stresses with my addictive behaviour was like my vehicle suspension, I thought it was giving me a smooth ride.

I recently met with a fellow addict and we discussed what things were like for us in “the bubble” I used this week’s language of experience, I’ve been playing a video game with my partner, and we each take turns to make our way through the story of the game.

We observed how we both approach the game from a different angle, she explores, solves problems and builds up her inventory and equipment so that she can take on the bosses at various stages. A wise methodology that mirrors her pragmatic and patient approach to life.

On the other hand, I try to go straight to the monsters and try to beat them too soon. The trouble is I roam from one side quest to another and don’t stick to one thing.

I get distracted and take ages to make progress because I am ill-equipped, and not ready for the foes I face. I have the capacity for so many tools to defeat enemies but wonder in with one potion and expect to progress to victory but fail miserably. (Sounds a lot like basic me)

All of a sudden life sounds like a video game, I work on my inventory, and I know that there are many solutions to life’s puzzles, stresses and monsters.

I guess the lesson I take from the shame of one’s name, is a simple one, it’s all about the repetitive act of self-forgiveness.