Toxic Virtuosity

“If you want peace, you don’t talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.” — Desmond Tutu

I come from the dissenting left. Not the Instagram left or the Twitter hashtag left, but the historic, working-class, trade union labour movement — the left of picket lines, miners’ strikes, and the Tolpuddle Martyrs. The left that fought for the vote, for wages, for dignity. That strand of British politics has always been rooted in the simple conviction that the wealth of our economy should be distributed among all levels of society, and that ordinary people should have the freedom to live without being hemmed in, blocked, or diminished by systems of exploitation.

That’s the DNA I inherited. And when I left evangelicalism, I found myself drawn into that heritage through the writings of Tony Benn. Benn connected me with a new sense of identity. Politics, for me, became what faith had been: a moral compass, a cause greater than myself, something to believe in and to fight for.

But here’s the truth: politics became my new religion.

Around the time of Brexit, through to the 2019 election, I threw myself into left-wing politics with a kind of religious zeal. I was radically enthused, mobilised, and consumed by it. Looking back, it was unhealthy.

At the time, I was still in my addiction, still living with deep fractures between who I was in public and who I was in private. Politics gave me a new mask to wear. In public, I projected a virtuous version of myself: righteous, loud, uncompromising. I found others who projected the same noise, and together we created what looked like a new kind of church.

But inside, in the mirror, I was suffering. Alone, I was broken, caught up in secrecy and shame. Politics gave me a pulpit and an audience, but it was all a performance.

Today I approach politics through a very different lens: the lens of my own recovery and faith. When I discuss principles, I begin with humility. I begin with the awareness that I am flawed, limited, and imperfect.

And it’s that humility that seems to have disappeared from politics. In its place, we see something else: what I call toxic virtuosity.

Virtuosity in this context should mean performed with excellence, virtuousness meaning having moral integrity, and courage. But toxic virtuosity is when the pursuit of the moral high ground becomes poisonous. When virtue is no longer about justice or compassion, but about projection — an eloquent performance of righteousness that actually dehumanises the opponent.

We see it in the way algorithms reward outrage. The louder you shout, the more you’re seen. The more uncompromising you appear, the more virtuous you look. Outrage has become currency in the attention economy, and politics has been reduced to the theatre of moral performance.

A case in point: The assassination of Charlie Kirk.

Now, let me be clear: I probably disagreed with Kirk on virtually everything. Theologically, politically, socially, we would not have shared common ground. I don’t think we would have even agreed on what the gospel is.

And yet, in the wake of his murder, what I saw on the left disturbed me more deeply than the reaction of the right.

People were celebrating. People mocking. People are revelling in his death. And these weren’t fringe voices; many were people who would otherwise claim to represent compassion, equality, and humanity.

The mask slipped. The virtuous facade revealed itself as toxic.

Because in that moment, it wasn’t about theology or politics or ideology. It was about a man — a father, a husband — brutally killed. A family left behind. And instead of lament, we saw glee.

That’s not virtue. That’s poison.

Step back and you see the same dehumanisation at a global level.

We live in a time when war economies drive political systems more than human lives do. Where presidents can hoodwink whole movements — including Western evangelicalism — into becoming cheerleaders for atrocities. Where Zionism is sanctified, and suffering neighbours are demonised. Where genocide plays out on our screens, and the response is hashtags and tribal slogans.

Politics has always been about power. But it was also once about consensus, about the building of a common good. Now it is about platforms of influence, outrage and algorithms. And the result? Othering, labelling, hatred, vitriol, threats, violence, assassination, murder.

This isn’t a left thing or a right thing. This is a human thing.

So what does it mean to bring humanity back into politics?

For me, it begins with humility. By recognising that I am not virtuous in myself. That I am flawed, and so are you. That politics should never be about masking our brokenness with outrage, but about meeting one another as human beings first.

When politics forgets to be human, it becomes toxic.

The answer isn’t to abandon principle. I still hold to the principles of the dissenting left — solidarity, justice, the fair distribution of wealth and power. But those principles must be rooted in humanity, or they become hollow.

There is nothing in mankind that is fully virtuous. We are broken, flawed, selfish, arrogant. And when we forget that, when we build political identities that mask it, we slip into toxic virtuosity.

But there is one. One who embodied humility. One who did not seek a platform but washed feet. One who bore the violence and hatred of politics and empire and yet responded with forgiveness.

The story of Jesus is not just a religious story. It is a story about humanity. A story about reconciliation. A love story that breaks through the toxic virtuosity of human politics.

And I wonder — in an age of wars, assassinations, and outrage — whether that is the story we most need to hear.

The 12 steps and 12 traditions would mean I shy away from commenting on outside issues, but away from the rooms I live in, the outside world.

That world is still suffering, and it needs a message

Getting high on the hills

“Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.”

Abraham Maslow
Photo of a tent in the wilderness

Last night I decided to pack a rucksack and head for the hills, the forecast was OK at best. I had tried to go last week but bailed quickly, not quite feeling right.

To me, the outdoors was always about resetting, a soft reboot for the brain, the appeal was the escapism and the reframing of perspective that nature gives to our circumstances.

Before I carry on, I wanted to note that the purpose I have for this website is for now, my own personal blog, and my lived experience and I share it in the hope it can be a signpost for others to reach their next checkpoint safely.

Ultimately, I want this site to also be one promoting recovery by bringing the outdoors and exercise into a new lifestyle free from compulsive behaviours not just with porn and sex but any other addiction.

As I parked the car and tightened the straps of my pack I needed to get that first night in the bag of being alone in a tent again, this time it was the fear of meeting a demon on the hills, one that would tell me I have no hope for the future now, one that conjures up images and scenarios of my demise. As with all irrational fears, this night would be no different than my usual in the hills.

I find a bit of ground flat enough for my tent, no surprise, it is covered in sheep shit so I go through the sweeping motions with my right boot.

I pitch the tent and take in the views of the surrounding peaks and fields and I am relieved. I may not be escaping anything anymore but the permanence of nature is a great reminder that trying times like grey clouds, pass.

As the sun sets and the wind picks up, I zip in for the evening, hoping sleep won’t evade me too much. The demon of depression that I feared on those hills was more bark than bite and as the stars and the moon emerged, I felt happy that I no longer want to let these issues and fears rob me of these moments and experiences.

The night was a windy one, and as I lay warm and protected, my tent took the battering and did its job. After a few hours of sleep, I awoke to fast-moving clouds, a sunrise and a feeling that the storm had passed.

I write this post as a reminder, that however, your journey to recovery is going, one of the vital ingredients for me is to maintain the habits that do you good. Running, hiking and anything else that gets you out in the elements is good for us. If you don’t do these things, start to, we were never meant for walls, screens, and deliveroo.

It is also important to practice the setting and pursuing of goals. As an addict, a lot of thoughts can focus on not relapsing and keeping the mind in check, it’s a struggle and it can be the worst time for your self-esteem and confidence which is why it’s so important to recognise the positive steps you take every day and celebrate the little wins.

Sir David Attenborough makes some good points here.

I also find it important to find sources of inspiration. So I will often chuck on an audiobook or a video to build up a focused mind, I may be a big ball of emotions these days but it’s worth maintaining a mindset fixed on a forward motion.

One of my heroes is Bruce Lee who was greatly influenced by a poem which I will share with you.

“The Man Who Thinks He Can” by Walter Wintle

If you think you are beaten, you are;
If you think you dare not, you don’t.
If you’d like to win, but think you can’t
It’s almost a cinch that you won’t


If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost,
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow’s will;
It’s all in the state of mind.


If you think you’re outclassed, you are.
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.


Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man;
But sooner or later the man who wins
Is the one who thinks he can.

This video really helps me get my mind positively charged.

Here are some challenges and ideas I would encourage you to explore. Start small and enjoy the process and the journey.

Trail 100

Take on a challenge with mind.org