A person in our life described me as someone without empathy. That’s a massively outdated statement that anyone could make about me. It was true in the past, albeit unknowingly, but it’s not true anymore. These words were nothing more than projectiles with the intent to do harm, so I added this to my inventory of resentments. Words often land with me, and if I allow it, I can get completely bent out of shape.

They say the best thing about recovery is you get your emotions back, and the worst thing is you get your emotions back.

I know my faults and my wrongs. My life of recovery is one that focuses on living my amends for such things. It’s a continual process and one which is not without its miracles, it’s impossible to spend so much time in relating to shared human struggle and not develop a strong ability to see things through the eyes of another.

In the past, my empathy was a selective theory. It was hypocritical, and like my worldview and value system, I was merely someone with a free subscription. I never really committed to premium because I was all about what I could get in life. I would argue that those of us in need of recovery lost ourselves to things, and it is our true selves that are ‘Recovered.’

Part of getting well was the admission that my approach to life had stunted the ‘me’ I should have been from fully developing. I had to stop living for me and start living for something. One of my favorite bands, Enter Shikari, sang, ‘If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.’ It’s true. I fell for so many lies I cringe at the distorted thinking I allowed to run rampant in my life.

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I now have moments where I am overwhelmed with feelings. I am grateful for them, but at the same time, I wish I could revert to being a little more stoic at times. But I recognize that allowing feelings to do their thing and not be dictated to by them has seen much personal growth, whereas years of self-regulation kept me isolated, like a potted plant.

I have been overwhelmed this week with immense gratitude and spiritual relief as I feel I have transitioned through so many landmarks in my personal journey. While I remain grounded firmly in the reality that my addictive behaviors could easily be resurrected if I stop doing the basics, I feel, for the first time in a long time, at a place of rest and peace.

I finish writing this post from a silent and warm tent on the side of a hill. I feel the rise and fall of the breathing of my four-legged companion while snuggled up next to me sleeping in her little sleeping bag and fleece sleepsuit. We made time to get out of the house today to connect with a dear friend and went for a much-needed walk.

As advent rolls on, I look forward to this Christmas at home with my loved ones, and to quote a friend of mine, ‘I’ve lucked out.