Recovery is a process that entails a necessary death of the self-serving nature. A giving away of one’s life in order to keep it.

Many of us crash into this journey, witnessing our distorted worldview and stunted sense of meaning die before our eyes.

Today felt like a pessimistic jolt of reflection. A veil of rose-tinted thinking was attempting to take hold in my mind. The good thing is, I can spot this stuff a mile off, so it’s just a matter of how long the accompanying cloud will last.

I received a call from a fellow today. I explained this feeling, sometimes the challenges of the day and difficulty communicating needs are met with a nostalgic reflection of the simplicity of “the bubble” we used to live in. Think of it like Cypher longing to be put back into the Matrix.

I pondered the subject of emotional and physical needs and its challenges, contemplating what they look like for me.

First and most obvious is my journey as a recovering sex addict; it involves experiencing healthy intimacy, but to do so I need to take care of my side of the street.

Here’s my interpretation of the cycle of failing to meet ones intimacy needs in recovery:

1. Firstly, we have the healthy human longing to experience intimacy and meet our need.
2. Then, we may encounter the difficulty of instigating a sexual interaction or expressing these needs to our partner.
3. We may experience issues with anxiety or rejection which reinforces the view that intimacy isn’t met by reaching out, we experience pain.
4. The longing for healthy intimacy, mixed with rejection and resentment, is a challenge to serenity and leads to substituting the need with distraction, acting in, being busy and depending on one’s definitions of abstinence, even safe masturbation is a secondary means to meet ones need and remain abstinent from core behaviours but lacks connection and intimacy.
5. The genuine and healthy desire for intimacy remains unmet, and each time this cycle is repeated it reinforces intimacy-avoidant behaviors and a state of inaction.

This cycle is probably present in a majority of marriages if the stats on pornography consumption are put into context, but in recovery even with mindful masturbation and all its boundaries, it isn’t far enough removed from the past for me to consider it healthy, it’s the second choice stunt double for the real thing with ones partner.

For me, recovery in a relationship shouldn’t solely focus on abstinence from core addictive behaviors but should involve a two-way traffic of love, affection, and mutually fulfilled sexual needs as part of life in a relationship.

This fifth stage of avoiding intimacy involves two parties: the partner and the recovering addict. The partner navigates the trauma and fallout of the unexpected mess caused by the addict partner, likely unaware before the disclosure.

Both can fall into destructive self-thinking—“I’m not good enough,” “they must not find me attractive anymore,” or “it’s just too awkward.” This thinking isolates both partners, creating a mutually managed friend zone within the relationship.

This interpretation is just one among many, and truthfully, I understand why stories of intimate reconciliation are few and far between.

Having patience and waiting for that healing to manifest are challenging, and communicating needs or sending out signals can be painful when not realised.

The choice is to believe and trust God to bring healing and reconciliation to the relationship. It’s not easy; you can’t just put on some aftershave, buy flowers, and expect the magic.

The foundation of a relationship in recovery rests on sincerity, authenticity, and remaining honest and accountable. They say it takes two to tango, and it’s also true for healing in love.

Difficulty arises when old-school thinking kicks in but as with most challenges on this journey reflections on gratitude, the progress, and the strengthening the relationship has had help to dispel these moments.

My own process of the ego and self-being put to death is ongoing. The temptation is to ignore one’s loving higher power – God and opt for the lower power of self, I can often find myself conjuring forth the zombie addict like some amateur reenactment of raising Lazarus. The “lower power” is when I try cosplaying God; I end up looking like a twat, and the miracles are shit.

I hold fast to my confession that healing doesn’t happen over night and until I experience the loving return to intimacy, I need to focus on gratitude, not trying to meet present needs with past thinking or keeping my feelings silent.

Grant me the serenity? 🙏