“You are defined by your character and the content of your heart, not your past mistakes.”
Anon
I used to work in insurance; the entire industry revolves around risk manipulation and interpretation. Whether someone gets insured or not depends on how it’s presented to the market.
The problem I had with this was that people were treated as simple, black and white risks, reducing individuals to mere entries on a piece of paper.
Looking at it this way, it’s almost its own form of dehumanisation. I used to dislike how I’d spend time talking to a ‘new risk,’ building rapport, hearing their story about their business or their family trade they would take over. Sometimes, I’d be excited for them, only to discover that when I consulted my superiors, they would take a ‘view’ on it.
They’d say, ‘This risk is too high,’ or, call me cynical, but… It would result in either a sky-high premium or no quote. I’d then have to sell them the notion that they were too high a risk, and at times, I could hear the disappointment – being the messenger of bad news.
What made these ‘risks’ seem so unfavorable to my boss was the element of the unknown and previous experiences. Only by taking the time to understand the human side of the story could they have appreciated what was presented to them. Often, we all start with high premiums and gain confidence with time.
I look back on that time working in the industry, and I still shudder at how miserable it was and how much it conflicted with my nature and values. When I think of my career and my struggle with addiction, I see many similarities.
The corporate ladder pressure enabled my sexual acting out behavior. I often had these binges during high-pressure times at work.
I left that line of work quite some time ago, but life in addiction recovery feels like a constant risk mitigation effort to me. It involves identifying triggers, pre-empting certain environments, relapse prevention, and setting conditions and boundaries for myself.
My entire life now feels like some form of insurance policy. It’s crucial in this process not to allow myself to be reduced to a piece of paper, as if my journey to well-being were just a job.
I am in recovery, but I refuse to be defined by it. I have faith in a higher power that doesn’t see my past but recognizes me in my entirety. I am not merely a horse in a race that may or may not fall at the next fence.
My job is to navigate this by communication, connection, trusting God to take care of the terrain and keep me on the path if I just do the basics of self care and service which is not to be confused with self serving.
The most important thing is being well and looking forward to the future, rather than being terrified of it. Living here and now, in the present moment, is my focus. While I have hopes for the future, the more I stay in the present, the less I have to worry about living in that bubble.
Basecamp Recovery 