I would like to share with you two simple truths: there is nothing that cannot be forgiven, and there is no one un-deserving of forgiveness.
Desmond Tutu
During difficult times, my faith has been present as an option to choose life and hope over the option of misery and personal defects like self-pity, bitterness, resentment, and lack of forgiveness. The comfort people find in woe is tragic. (Ironically, that’s coming from an addict.)
I think we all like the idea of forgiveness, but the Instagram vs. reality factor of true forgiveness is rarely explored. The radical concept of forgiveness in the Jesus story is still massively offensive even to believers, with some only paying lip service to it and lacking the courage to practice it.
I come from an alternative stream of Christianity. Before I realised the problem I had with my sexual behaviours, pornography, and the relationship dysfunction at play in all my adult life, I was a fringe figure in church. I had a couple of stints in the Christian space, played and sang the songs, but denied God with my lifestyle.
When I think of all the headaches religion has given me, I believe most of the issues have been with the human defects of other believers. If, as they say, hurt people hurt people, then the communities of organized religion are no exception to this rule.
When I think of the wonderful things about my faith as a Christian, the strongest by far is this message of forgiveness and how when we unpack the meaning of this, it really shows that mercy and compassion will always win over a sense of justice based on anger.
Forgiveness has become a subject that can be studied at a higher academic level but is almost flaky and selective on a societal one.
My Step Four inventory comprised of things I’m embarrassed about, deeply ashamed of and abhorrently disgusted by. My sponsor was the witness of this inventory, and in all honesty, were people to be privy to a fraction of this, I would be sneered at and likely written off by a chunk of people.
I need to forgive and to be forgiven; it’s that fundamental human reality that we all need to embrace. Forgiveness is not about condoning or excusing the wrongdoing; instead, it’s about freeing ourselves from the emotional burden that can weigh us down.
To use a life example, I can refer to my birth father; he was a bully. My earliest memories of domestic violence are traumas that shaped and haunted me through my formative years and have left me with a lot of issues. In order for me to heal and move on with life, I need to forgive him for those things. By holding on to resentment, the only one being held back is me.
I simply say that, despite the hurt and the damage, I am no fit person to judge the man for his worst actions. In my heart of hearts, I do forgive him. I know what it means to need and desire forgiveness. I have to look people in the eye and own my past on a daily basis; their forgiveness doesn’t lessen my punishment.
I’ve heard the words, ‘You are an absolute idiot, but you’re a good man. I’m going to stand by you because anyone can mess up in a royal way, but I can see how much you punish yourself, so you don’t need help with that.’
This acceptance doesn’t let me off the hook; it means I am accountable to do and be better. It permits me to keep moving forward and work on my issues in a productive way.
Imagine if we strived to be slow to anger and quick to forgive; what lives might be spared, turned around, and what healing would we see?
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