Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.
Brene Brown
The last few years have taught me a lot about myself, I have become more aware of how life events have affected me more than I previously believed, from witnessing my mother being run over by my father to preparing to become a father myself only for it to end tragically.
How can childhood domestic abuse, the loss of a baby during pregnancy and compulsive sexual behaviour be linked to one another? I would have scratched my head if ever asked and I still do sometimes but this is my life tapestry, they are weaved together.
The space and permission to be able to learn from our mistakes can be rare in the digital age, people can be cancelled for tweets from year’s gone by, so how much more for those who hurt others or cross moral lines that shock and offend, our worst moments can be posted about and poured over with comments of strangers.
I heard along the way that our biggest mess can become our biggest message, I would add the condition that only if we take ownership, accountability and put into practice the desire to get better.
Before I picked up my self-reflective pen and sought to change I was inspired that if I can get better I can be useful and help others, a couple of years on I have worked and continue to work my program and now get the honour to sponsor others as a guide on their journeys.
I see in the eyes of fellows the same shame, regret and pain that I live with.
This last week my loving partner made a disclosure about my addiction and my past behaviours to her dad and I was filled with this dread and shame, to look her father in the eye after knowing this stuff about me.
As with most fears the reality isn’t like we imagine in our spiralling. As he came around I put the kettle on, well he hasn’t grabbed me by the scruff of the neck at least.
The three of us sat down, I had to say something, obviously I just want to start by apologising, I said, he interjected “you don’t need to apologise to me, just don’t let this ruin you and you have to get on with your life now”.
He encouraged me to carry on throwing myself into the outdoors, fitness and running. He even said “lets get out for another hike and camp soon”.
Perhaps if others can see I am not a lost cause then maybe it’s time to give myself permission to start forgiving me.
Basecamp Recovery 