“Surrender all that no longer serves you. Let all that remains buried in your heart come to the surface and be healed. Let there be space for new energies to enter. A new beginning transforms darkness to light.”

Anon

I have always had a problem with the word surrender, I paid lip service to all the spiritual concepts and sung about them for year’s, but it was only when I realised the hell I had fashioned for myself in my addiction that I began to connect with my faith in a truly existential way.

My partner witnessed the desperate condition I found myself in and could see how stripped of hope I had become, it was in these moments of being spent and broken that she realised how important this part of me was.

Despite not sharing my belief in God, she was sorry if she ever shut it down or stood in the way of me connecting with my faith. I cannot tell you the gratitude I feel for being encouraged to explore and reconnect with this part of me.

I heard today from a fellow that it’s said that the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous was written through but not necessarily by Bill W. I always felt it was as though God was saying you guys can have this one and claims anonymity like some sort of Banksy in the sky.

We travel in the language of a Higher power or the God of our understanding, This might not rest well with many outlets of organised religion but it needn’t be a sticking point. It’s how we don’t get drawn into controversy or arguments and keep our focus on our responsibility to tackle this day and this day only.

The themes of forgiveness, redemption, the death of the former nature and rebirth of the new are all pivotal to being able to forge a life free from that which so easily ensnares us, in short Regardless of someone’s religious affiliation we have all fallen short of the standard of living we know to be best for us.

There is the suggestion that we get on our knees and pray for a sober day, even as someone aligned with the Christian faith I have rarely practiced this outward enactment of the spiritual act of surrender.

I realise now that I have been living life just wanting to land on my feet but it’s only in recovery that I finally landed on my knees.

What does surrender look like for me?

Well, I acknowledge that alone I am powerless over my sexual addiction and without practicing the basics and living a life of surrender to God and service to others I am doomed to repeat the rituals that landed me in the pit.

My addiction was basically my own life choice to practice idolatry and worship my false god, an ever-changing engraven image, worship of the created and not the creator.

Now my days are tasked with simply choosing grace over shame.