Where there is no vision, the people perish

Proverbs 29:18

My whole life I have abused my ability to see, if the eyes are the window to the soul, I have defiled them with my vision since I was a child, all the while living my life without a true vision. I would name this post double vision but that would be focussing on the problem.

This week I shared at a neighbouring fellowship and as I spoke something clicked, the words power and purpose are interchangeable in recovery. The one thing that kept me alive beyond the initial feelings of wanting to end my life was that if I could survive this and help others, that might just be enough reason to keep going.

That purpose of serving others, taking all this mess and hurt and somehow working it into some form of good has been the driving force behind this whole journey thus far, for all the talk of higher power and wrestling that some experience because of whether one believes in God or not I would simply say “struggle with the God stuff, that’s fine but find your purpose! you will find your power.”

I lived my life chasing the next promotion, the better paycheck or seeking the admiration of others. I used to message girls just to get some compliments and only then tell them I was in a relationship, if I was a droid I had a bad motivator. (pardon the star wars speak) I was destined to perish for my lack of vision.

The subjects of betrayal and trauma are ones I can empathise with greatly, we addicts can hurt those we love the most and we really do have to own that.

At times I conflate a loved one’s hurt feelings with my own character defects, and that is an error in judgement on my part, you see for me to be well, I have to guard against self-pity and gloom speak.

It’s crucial that when it comes to anyone else’s feelings or thoughts, it is not my place to dwell or take defence. Instead, I focus on amends and living as my authentic self with a sense of purpose I had previously lacked.

If a connection is the opposite of addiction then having a purpose focused on serving one’s fellow man is a noble endeavour and for all you give away you receive more, it’s almost a spiritual transaction which is why the literature pulls no punches in its religious undertones, the concepts we tap into are the opposite of our self-serving addict personas, the programme really becomes a sufficient substitute.

My partner said that she often feels overwhelmed and while she fully supports me in my recovery it can at times be a little much, my response was that the time to worry is when I am not obsessed with my recovery, I give it the same diligence and priority that my acting out held for so much of my life, but I agreed that we would need to find some boundaries as my being present for the moment isn’t just to keep me on the straight and narrow but also to facilitate my showing up for those in my life.