Almost 2 years into this and I have still a lot of work to do with surrendering my will and trusting my power greater than myself with my future, my addiction is like a soundboard that’s there with its distorted thinking and well-worn tropes about women, sex and pornography, which always seems to pipe up like that pissed up uncle at a wedding with no verbal filter.

For so much of my life things have always felt out of control and stressful, my childhood was traumatic, my adulthood stunted and riddled with emotional hurt and the loss of a baby to a rare condition led to me boxing up all hurts and toughening up just like people said I should, life then became a projection, a managed press release of who I was and social media made it easier to live this way.

In the throws of all that life has sent my way the only thing in life that made me feel like I could handle the ups and downs was the ability to regulate, albeit in a very unhealthy way, I mean how could I have possibly thought that compulsive masturbation mixed with full night binges surfing limitless pornography was a normal or healthy thing to do.

Sun rises were not moments to be present and grateful, more disgusted, tired, and ashamed that I had spent yet another night secretly digging around the digital highway before forcing me to go sleep ready for another day of work, the double life of an addict means you eat, sleep and breathe with contradictions.

There’s a part of the Alcoholics Anonymous big book that says this:

“Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely”.

That’s the challenge that I have to embrace everyday, to let go absolutely, there is a but here though, I feel, there is never a final victory or a final defeat for an addict. I may be a little pessimistic here but I feel it’s being grounded in humility to admit that this stuff is just too “cunning, baffling and powerful”

I must admit it often feels likes groundhog day but this is no comedy and I’m not Bill Murray.

For now, letting go absolutely, looks like handing over control of my privacy when it comes to the internet, it’s saying I cannot be trusted to drive myself, all of my best efforts landed me in a right mess.

Accountability is both a consequence and a rescuer to me. My devices are all kept safe using Covenant Eyes and along with the 12 Steps and therapy it has been a vital tool for me to coexist with modernity.

It’s been a trial and improvement journey to adopt and embrace the laying down of my “rights” to safeguard myself from the poison of the “world wide vine”.

Today I am grateful that my devices are monitored and my sponsor gets a daily report of my usage, it can be funny at times with what sets off the explicit alerts but I am glad to have the boundaries.

When I sit in my plastic chair each week I know I am not alone in this struggle, I often feel incompatible with the technological age we live it, it has been like a coercive drug dealer and now in recovery is a tool for me to spread hope and awareness.

I know that behind me are scores of future fellows so when it gets tough I have to remind myself it isn’t all about me, my experience can be someone else’s hope in their darkest hole, and that is why I have to choose to let go absolutely, every sunrise, sunset and through the night until the daylight shows up once more.