So here we are, Step 8. It’s time to list those I have harmed and be willing to make amends to them all.

As I look at the growing list of people I have to make amends to in my life I am faced with the consequences of my previous life decisions and the harm caused by my compulsive sexual behaviour.

The thought of how I could make amends to people not even in my life anymore is daunting, what’s more challenging, is the thought that there are countless faces I have objectified and witnessed in my consumption of pornography that I could never name or make amends to.

Living amends

Top of that list is my partner, I never appreciated just how solid, faithful and loving this person has been the whole time, when I think about the fights and the times when I thought we aren’t going to last, not knowing if she really loved me enough in those years. Over the last nearly two years she has been the illustration of what love is. She is everything I ever wanted and she was right here with me the whole time.

I am willing to spend the rest of my life making amends and intend to love her with gratitude and joy that I couldn’t have imagined before.

This journey though is tough, tonight she looked at me and said “you need a hug” the fact that I get to hear words like that after what I have done to her teaches me so much about love and forgiveness.

She has been supportive and empathetic towards my addiction recovery and in ways had been like a sponsor at times. Early on in our relationship, she got me watching Elementary. Crazy to think all these years on and we still watch it and I now identify with all those 12-step scenes like it’s a different show.

Direct amends

There are others I need to make direct amends to, I have or had a friend that stepped away from being friends with me when I told them about my problem, they went through the motions of “we are ok mate” but disappeared from my life without a trace. The silence and absence have been deafening, but that’s a consequence. Direct amends would need to be made as I owed them a sum of money when we parted ways so I need to make that right even if our friendship cannot be repaired.

There are those too, that if I ever saw again and an opportunity arose, I would like to make amends and apologise to them for my conduct in either friendship, employment or with those with whom I displayed sexual or emotionally destructive behaviour. They may or may not be possible but being willing is the key here.

Except when to do so…

The thing about making amends for the past is I may do more harm than good, so it may not be possible to cover every person on my list, they may not be reachable or even alive anymore.

A lot of this stuff I will have to live with so a really important one is to make amends to myself, I devalued and went against my morals and boundaries countless times in my sex addiction. Getting my self-care right and working on my program is how I make my amends to myself. If I get that right I might be around long enough to get through as many of them as possible.

Tonight the phrase “consequence is part of recovery” plays through my head. The key is not to despise it, or fear it. It’s the most important part of the healing process for all parties.

By making amends in whatever shape it takes we demonstrate that we are no longer slaves to the false God of our addiction. For a world that is cynical about higher powers, we sure do have a lot of fake ones out there.

Today has been a triggering day but one where I reached out to others, practised gratitude and prayed for the sex addict who suffers and I always have to remember that man is still me. I face each day by the grace of God and I continue on this journey from Shame to Grace.

While the consequences of my past spread out like ripples on a pond I know the future is a much bigger stone than my past.

I finished the day with meditation and an ice-cold tub. The natural stressor teaches me I can handle discomfort and find serenity in adversity.

As I write this post I am in bed warming up. Grateful for my loved ones, my home and the level of comfort I get to appreciate.