Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.

Wim Hof

Rewind a few years ago and I sat with a guy from the gym, he told me about this crazy guy, The Ice Man. I dismissed the significance at the time but the story that is Wim Hof has had a profound influence on how I do life, even more so in recovery.

I go into this for a few reasons, in reflection, I can see what things were like, what things have changed and how they are now.

In the bubble of my addiction, I was making attempts to rid myself of what I knew I wanted to manage out of my life. My deep and meaningful reconnection to the outdoors through hiking and camping, my lifestyle of exercise and healthier eating, and even looking into meditation and reconnecting to some sort of spirituality. These were all attempts to clean me up without the mirror moment and the conclusion that led to the statement my name is blank and I’m an addict.

Early on in my recovery journey, my identity was turned upside down, I saw my demise around every corner, and in moments I would crave it, mostly fear it like some sense of universal justice for being such a screwy kind of guy.

My relationship with exercise was always time out from whatever would be going on in my life, runs and walks were escapism but in recovery, I don’t really escape, I coexist with life on life’s terms.

This shift in thinking took a while to translate to running. Only weeks before my running was hitting 18 miles, on track for my first marathon only to be living in some new world with different limitations and laws of possibility. Or so I thought.

Little over a mile and a half into a run and I realised I was in a bad way mentally. I switched off the fast-paced music and stopped at a favourite spot by my local canal route. If I was going to reclaim my running I was going to have to learn how to be present in the moment.

I lay there as cyclists and dog walkers passed me while I lay down breathing heavily. I followed the Wim Hof guided breathing method app for 3 rounds.  Each breath-hold was accompanied by the recordings of the Ice Man himself. The words hit me “be in this moment, without breathing”

After this period of meditation, I carried on with a run and a different mindset towards being out, I would have to focus less on destination, time and distance and more on the experience itself.

Fitness and exercise have become a much healthier part of my life in recovery, I often share with fellows my outer circle lifestyle whether it’s a trail run, a mountain trek or my latest camping trip on the side of a hill in silly weather. It’s all become part of how I cope and control stress in healthier ways than I used to with my sexually compulsive behaviour and ignorant porn consumption.

Over the festive period, I picked up an injury after a semi-intense workout, I had gone to bed that night with a nervous system firing like it was new year’s Eve in London.

Recently the only way to manage pain is with prescription drugs and my practices of meditation and cold water therapy and a casualty of the injury is my fitness status.

I had started to define myself by my latest algorithm-determined status on my Garmin. It turns out you can turn healthy things into unhealthy patterns and rituals, (this is a textbook sex addict) it’s not the sex it’s my relationship with it, preoccupation and obsession and distorted thinking can jump around into other areas and things.

I think of my addiction as the Voldermort part of my brain and if I let it. There would be a few Horcruxs in my life.

It’s been a tough few weeks of adjusting to a type of pain I’ve not been accustomed to at a time when my old ways are not an option for me.

Today was another one of those let’s just stop at the canal and get present again moments.

Two things happened today, I went out with a load of guys from 12 step group and enjoyed a walk and a catch-up with each of my friends so it was a blend of outer circle activities with guys who share experience strength and hope to work our program of recovery. I was immensely grateful at a time when meds and injury grief mentality has been getting me into a bit of a low mood.

The second moment was as my meds wore off and I went out into the garden for a dip in my recently purchased ice bath now set up in the garden. As it rained and I huddled in the cold water up to my neck I focused on my breathing as the raindrops bounced off the surface of the water. After five minutes I get out and a wave of happiness or dopamine hit me.

Wim often jests with the phrase “get high off your own supply”, whether it’s breathing or cold therapy both bring about a sense of being uplifted for me, whatever brain chemistry that is going on here, it’s a damn site healthier than how I previously rigged my brains chemical dispenser. Porn addiction is like skimming a fruit machine without putting anything in.

I go into this new week determined that this setback of injury like everything else shall pass. All things are ultimately only temporary and life is about adjusting to and dealing with what is in front of you.

Our progress is not always linear though, I had a run-in with another hijacker of the brain this week in the form of alcohol, it’s a strange one, drinking alcohol is an ok in moderation thing and I like the odd glass of spirits. I am no longer the drinker I was in my younger years but after a few days of trying to handle the injury pain without meds, I was offered a few drinks in a social setting.

Let’s just say the night didn’t go well and I suffered the next nearly 48 hours in a way I haven’t in years. Now! This might not be some porn or sex binge as per my core behaviours but it weakened me in an environment and for that night made some decisions against my program of self-care.

All I will say is we reflect, we seek to understand what is our need. How could or should it be met? and how do I make sure I don’t slap a counterfeit band-aid on a pain that isn’t mine to fix? Because I don’t get to try playing God anymore. I was and will never be good at it.

Here’s to a week of being grounded in now and practising the serenity prayer. I can’t change my nervous system’s wiring but I can adapt, be patient, rest, and remain active provided I practice wisdom and look after myself.

One day at a time.