In an age of digital connectivity are we less connected and steered into alienating and ever increasing individualism?

As an addict, my life has been about maintaining a series of dials, I maintained areas of my life with a degree of control or as best as I could manage my life. The thing is, my life was like an open house with a secret and hidden panic room. It was a place I would go to alone. That was my addiction! It isolated me and made me believe I could cope, addictions are coping mechanisms that are ruining our lives and things which we have no control over.

Very early on in my recovery journey, I realised that the seemingly socially confident me was little more than a projection. I was living a PR campaign just hoping people would like me and that I would feel good enough.

If I were asked to sum up the why behind my addiction, I would say, I have never felt good enough as a son, a brother, a friend, a partner or even a human. When you feel that shit and ashamed about the face staring back in the mirror when you wake up every day, it’s no surprise you may have some issues.

My whole life I have been seeking true and meaningful connection, I just didn’t twig, I searched for brotherhood with hopes of connection that could be found in the military, if I could only be strong enough, I would seek sonship from God in the church if I could only be pure enough, I would seek the best girls if only I could be slim and fit enough, I would seek admiration if I could sing and play the guitar well enough.

I found true connections when the conditional aspects were removed.

In the program we make calls and the reason we do this is to support others in their journey, to get the recovery, strength and hope for ourselves but ultimately we get the ability to connect to others, these often self-imposed conditions are removed. We relate to one another’s shared stories and struggles.

In a recent chat I shared with a friend about how I fear the day my therapist says to me we don’t need to carry on, we have covered all we can together. The thought entered my mind as I spotted the Jason Fox book on the shelf, I had listened to his story about how therapy helped him through the trials and pains of PTSD. As I shared this feeling we related to one another and it dawned on me, in our therapist’s room we put an end to conditional connection, we would finally learn to form a healthy attachment. No wonder this was a strong feeling.

As I chatted to my partner about my feelings and thoughts about connection, she reminded me of having purpose too, my partner is an amazing human being and I took her for granted for so long and almost ruined everything when she discovered the depths of my problems but she immediately said I know you are a good person, she saw something in me that I couldn’t. Shame will do that to anyone.

As other posts have featured I have a recovery hero in the figure of Sherlock Holmes, specifically Johnny Lee Miller’s modern portrayal of the flawed genius. After some time in recovery and the ups and downs of life, our hero finds himself back in London away from his sober companion, friend and colleague Joan Watson. He finds a connection in the form of a new student in the field of deduction. That new connection and purpose allow him to throw his planned relapse fix into the fire and continue his recovery journey.

Every friend and person in my life plays a part in my ability to throw my next slip and fix into the fire.

I recently had a spiritual thought, I believe it to be a dose of comfort from God, so much of mankind’s relationship to a creator is centred upon some story of sin and rebellion a shameful fall and religion paints God to be some angry Santa making a list of all the wrong you have done to beat you with. I am glad I don’t believe in that God.

I thought rather than a list of wrongs, I believe God said if he were to show me the times I genuinely sought a connection to him in the foreign land I had chosen to call my home, I would be blown away, the songs I sang that reminded me of worship. The times I tried to let someone in because I knew I had a problem, the moments on top of a mountain where I sought to place little old me into the scale of the enormity of the wonders of nature. Not one of these moments of trying to satisfy my spiritual thirst and hunger had escaped his attention.

God would instead choose to focus on these rather than my inventory of shame, that’s why I have steps 5 & 10.

I am reminded of the lyrics of a song I like to put on when I need to remind myself of some important facts.

“to satisfy my thirst to love me at my worst, and even when I don’t remember, you remind me of my worth”

If you are going through a difficult time, remember you are not alone, you are loved and now more than ever is the time to seek connection. Go for that coffee, reach out to that friend, patch things up with that family member and pick up the phone and call someone.

You never know, maybe the other person needs it as much as you do.