I have a friend who I recently made contact with after many years. As my life spiraled out of control, I picked up the phone and said I had hit bottom. I needed to hand my life over to God. It is a part of both the programme and reconnecting to my faith. A faith with which I had a love-hate relationship.

When I look back on my life thus far, the most sustaining moments have been those of elation and ecstasy, the mountain top, the cloud inversion, the perfect sunset, or a star-filled night sky. When I reflect, I consider the years that my addiction consumed and robbed me of many of these moments.
My friend prayed with me on the phone, I cried as the shame became so heavy that I had to beg God for some rest in his presence. He went on to say that I had been chasing the counterfeit.

As someone with an affinity for watches, there is a particular piece I was obsessed over. Now, this watch was limited in production and well out of my budget. In my enthusiasm, I purchased a facsimile. In my mind, the aesthetic and feel were enough for me.
In the early stage of this hobby, the inner mechanism and legitimacy of a watch were lost on me. To this day I admire it, I wear it, but I know it’s fake, isn’t reliable, and could pack up at any time. This was not too different from the momentary shame-filled buzzes that compulsive porn and masturbation offers.

Abraham Maslow is one of the most influential psychologists of the previous century. One particular part of his work that caught my attention is his words on peak experiences. Maslow states that the mystical moments in life are vital ingredients for the human condition.

In recovery, I am aware I need the real thing. The counterfeit will no longer suffice, the illusion of comfort, fulfillment, and release from acting out is nothing more than fake highs.

At the beginning of my 30s, I was with an unhinged and scary girl, her sexual dominance and demands were difficult even for me, a sex addict, to keep up. She was attractive, intimidating, and unpredictable. Things that excited me about dating her but it also made me anxious.

Another one of her habits was taking drugs and legal highs. Back then, spice as it’s infamously known now was an over-the-counter legal and synthetic high to rival marijuana. I tried it because I would always take on a lot of personality changes if it meant I felt secure in being with someone. The way I explained my experience with spice is that it felt familiar in many ways like weed. But if you compare getting high to entering a house. Spice was like breaking into that house through the gas pipes and waiting for the police to show up. This is just another illustration of how counterfeit will never be legit or real.

In my previous post, I explained how in the Sex Addicts Anonymous 12-step programme we use a recovery tool called the 3 circles. In the outer circle exists all the good stuff, the mountains, the sea, fitness, basically any of the activities that are good for us and could lead to a peak experience.

Then comes the stuff you are not sure about, things that on their own are not a problem but a combination of factors could lead to a slip, such as being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. These go into the middle circle, for example of mine, mixing alcohol and being in a night-out setting can make me recall the encounters of past exploits in a way that makes me crave the “good old days”

Then comes the inner circle, these behaviours we define as acting out and having to refrain from, for me pornography in any form, I will if left to go my own way have no control over barriers and escalate to harder material every time. In my case it’s like getting drunk and not having an off switch, I could easily lose my sexual sobriety on some porn binge or as a single guy seeking a one-nighter. In recovery, you avoid the inner circle stuff by focussing on the outer circle behaviours as substitutes for the old.

To go through this exercise yourself you can use this resource. – 3 Circles Worksheet

The spiritual awakening that the programme helps to build has helped me reconnect with my faith. In a way, I can now encounter peak experiences with a song, a reading, a prayer, and just about anything that means getting in nature and putting my tiny self with my worries into the scale of the world, universe, and that which trumps fear, Love.

The challenge I make to myself, and to you, is to get outside of the routine that boxes you in, chase the right kind of highs, the sunsets, the mountains, the shared experiences, whatever gives you those moments that sustain your will and enthusiasm for life.

Work these into your program of living and you won’t go far wrong.