I recently completed the work for step two of the program which reads:

“We came to believe a power greater than ourselves, could restore us to sanity”.

Woven into the 12 steps is the language of the spiritual concept of a higher power, the most widely perceived name for such an entity or being is God. Or as we read, the God of our understanding.

In the past, my understanding of God was a stepfather figure, all about rules, and Jesus represented some stepbrother, who tries to smooth things over with the old man. 

As flawed as that sounds, it is the theology of many believers, it gets caught and taught in churches worldwide without any real scrutiny or challenge. 

In the past, my desire for faith was proven incomplete and probably more rooted in theoretical thinking and less part of a spiritual awakening that can change life for the better. 

The potential that’s discovered by allowing the control-hungry addict to connect with a power greater than themself is not to be underestimated. Power to lean on and surrender to. Someone to call on in times of great trouble and need.

My higher power fits with my faith in Jesus, God, or Holy Spirit. Not to a theoretical version that gets preached about differently by everyone who professes to be a believer. But to my experiential understanding of God. Now, I don’t claim to know or be enlightened enough or be qualified to tell others about this subject, but I know now that when I pray these words, there is an existential gravitas to their meaning:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and equip me with the knowledge to know the difference. 

I am reaching out to the one who claims to be the most high. So as far as higher powers go, I know I am pursuing one bigger than my ego and problems.

Now, such a being would practice what they preach, so I can’t imagine they have a problem with not taking credit, people misunderstanding or relating to them in less than conventional ways. I guess I’m saying to take the baggage out of the God bits. Sometimes we may need to accept that we may need to unlearn some information we have harboured in some form of resentment against a higher power we claim to not believe in.

How does my higher power, or the God of my understanding show up?

Quite simply the evidence will be the difference in my life, my more rounded identity, and the progress I make every day if I am willing to approach the program with an equal measure of both faith and a mind to be willing to work the steps.

One of my more recent steps forward in this area of living has come by truthfully learning the lessons of step one, I cannot do any of this alone. So in recovery, my higher power presents itself in those nearest and dearest to me, my brothers in fellowship, nature, music, meditation, and prayers. From the unconditional love of a sister or my partner or the teary-eyed empathy of the therapist, helping me to unpack my life’s most traumatic memories, the sponsor who picks up the call in the middle of the night, to offer some illumination in the witching hour and even my puppy who waits religiously for my return from work, just to spend a few moments going loopy with excitement.

Our addiction isolates and traps but recovery does the opposite. To sum it up in 3 words, it is a connection to others.

Our unique understanding and journey through life means we would each have our different experiences from which to envision or personify the God of our understanding, and as a non-religious fellowship, we need not get distracted from how we are bound to one another, mostly in our desire to be sexually sober. It’s what binds us that makes us strong.

I connect with my higher power a lot through nature and music, sometimes both. My pursuit of the vastness of nature and the way I find a home for the night on a hill or a mountainside can often be spiritual, there is no other word for it.

In the moments where guilt, regret, and terror can overcome me like a wave, I find comfort in knowing that as sure as the sun sets and rises, time keeps rolling on.

I believe that what you focus on your magnify, it’s why we start the days in recovery focusing on our gratitude. Similarly, if we embrace our resentments like some old friend, we generally find the other old familiars are not far behind. Just waiting to see if we can come out to play one more time.

Sometimes that higher power can come by simply making yourself accountable, no amount of prayer, music, reading, or even meetings would help me kick my slippery behaviours alone.

I decided that I couldn’t carry on with the tightrope approach I mentioned in my previous post, at least for now, I signed up for some screen-sharing accountability software. Which sends a daily report to my sponsor. In laying down control, I get back the healthy benefits of technology.

One of the readings that form a template for meetings is taking the time to read the section “How it works”. It says…

 “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.”