After taking some time away from writing about recovery I found myself settling into my new group. SAA offers sex addicts a program of recovery and a fellowship of encouragement and support to those who wish to live a life of recovery. I now have a sponsor who I converse with regularly and who is helping me to work on the first steps and set off on my journey of sobriety.

It’s one thing to know the steps and another to work the steps. This last week I went through my first step with my sponsor, this included a detailed summary of how my sex addiction made my life unmanageable and I took the view that rigorous honesty was going to hurt, but I needed to shed light on my deepest secrets so that the hold they have on me might be loosed.

As I sat there reading through my list of how my addiction would manifest in my day-to-day, I shared rituals such as screen grabbing hundreds of pictures of girls on social media like Instagram, building spank bank folders hidden deep in my phone, if that sounds a little off normal, I then went on to discuss how I would collect pictures of ex-girlfriends and find pornographic images that would be look-alikes of them, if the relationship ended particularly bad the types of images I would associate would be quite extreme and I am ashamed to say by extreme, I mean disgusting.

One way that my addiction would compel me was in the different ways I could find myself masturbating, at times porn just wasn’t interesting, this was before all the high-speed sites we have now.

My step one also helped me see the sex in the sex addict until now I had thought it was mostly porn but as I took my first bit of inventory, I shared how I would lie to new girlfriends about my sexual experience to get them to do certain things as manufactured “first times” it was just to get what I wanted, I would also take viagra regularly to allow me to have as much sex as I could, (at 25 my ED was likely due to high porn dependency)

The porn trip had taken me so far out of the sexual template that I find living with the knowledge of my previous viewing and downloading habits almost unbearable at times. Long story short, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I am a sex addict and my life had become unmanageable.

So after this meeting with my sponsor, I felt led to share some of this with the group later that day. Having completed step one I felt encouraged and that I had unloaded some of my heaviest secrets.

When I got home however my happiness was short-lived, I immediately found myself triggered as soon as I settled down. It was as though my addiction was sitting in the passenger seat and was saying “so you are brave now, wait till I get you on your own”.

It was almost like my father when I was very little, I could remember the times he would grit his teeth and you knew it meant that when we got home he would fly off the handle.

Suddenly, my guard was down, I felt crap and Instagram gave me the gateway drug of endless young attractive girls with pages of pictures, it may not be porn but the setting would almost always end in the rabbit hole of hardcore internet porn. 

Instagram, which is heavily algorithm-driven will only show you more and more of what you become slippery with, it’s a terrible thing to have in your “middle circle” if like me you are a scroller and a clicker.

While my first step work was triggering it has forced me to up my game with my recovery.

To give you some insight into the first step have a look at the link below. https://saa-recovery.org/literature/first-step-to-recovery-a-guide-to-working-the-first-step/

This program is one of intense personal analysis and a deep commitment to working on your character is required. It isn’t about perfection and beating yourself up, but it is evidenced by the progress you make. Mistakes need a debrief, what was the trigger? what could I have done? What should I have done? What measures could I put in place as a future contingency?

Ultimately my biggest takeaway so far is you have to truly admit you cannot do it alone, it’s not something you can grizz out with sheer bloody-mindedness.

So here is a bit of help in the form of a digital tool. I have a 12-step journal but don’t connect with writing things by hand. That may not always be the case. I foresee Step 4 will be a mile-long scroll for me and I believe our way is to do that by hand.

I use this app which is designed for those in 12-step programs.

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Google App: https://bit.ly/2QDgiiM

Apple App: https://apple.co/2rMlgRM

The app is great for self-reflection, I use it as part of my end-of-day routine. There is a free version and a paid version that allows you to connect with online sponsors but this I would say is secondary to getting involved with a group, you can use it to connect with your sponsor if they are interested in integrating an app into the way the program is applied.

The cost for the full app is £11.99 every 3 months, if I were to sponsor someone one day, when ready, I would have the cost of my use and that of my sponsee. So that would be £23.98 a quarter, without sounding like I am on a commission that equates to a few coffees these days, but each according to their means would be a great way to go about this, or pay for the first year and have a reduced renewal fee.

Whatever you do, don’t go it alone, start with what you are thankful for. Take a few minutes to clear your mind and admit or remind yourself of your powerlessness.

Get to a meeting, pick up the book, make some calls and take it all one step at a time.

https://saauk.info/en/meetings