“Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.”
Abraham Maslow
Last night I decided to pack a rucksack and head for the hills, the forecast was OK at best. I had tried to go last week but bailed quickly, not quite feeling right.
To me, the outdoors was always about resetting, a soft reboot for the brain, the appeal was the escapism and the reframing of perspective that nature gives to our circumstances.
Before I carry on, I wanted to note that the purpose I have for this website is for now, my own personal blog, and my lived experience and I share it in the hope it can be a signpost for others to reach their next checkpoint safely.
Ultimately, I want this site to also be one promoting recovery by bringing the outdoors and exercise into a new lifestyle free from compulsive behaviours not just with porn and sex but any other addiction.
As I parked the car and tightened the straps of my pack I needed to get that first night in the bag of being alone in a tent again, this time it was the fear of meeting a demon on the hills, one that would tell me I have no hope for the future now, one that conjures up images and scenarios of my demise. As with all irrational fears, this night would be no different than my usual in the hills.
I find a bit of ground flat enough for my tent, no surprise, it is covered in sheep shit so I go through the sweeping motions with my right boot.
I pitch the tent and take in the views of the surrounding peaks and fields and I am relieved. I may not be escaping anything anymore but the permanence of nature is a great reminder that trying times like grey clouds, pass.
As the sun sets and the wind picks up, I zip in for the evening, hoping sleep won’t evade me too much. The demon of depression that I feared on those hills was more bark than bite and as the stars and the moon emerged, I felt happy that I no longer want to let these issues and fears rob me of these moments and experiences.
The night was a windy one, and as I lay warm and protected, my tent took the battering and did its job. After a few hours of sleep, I awoke to fast-moving clouds, a sunrise and a feeling that the storm had passed.
I write this post as a reminder, that however, your journey to recovery is going, one of the vital ingredients for me is to maintain the habits that do you good. Running, hiking and anything else that gets you out in the elements is good for us. If you don’t do these things, start to, we were never meant for walls, screens, and deliveroo.
It is also important to practice the setting and pursuing of goals. As an addict, a lot of thoughts can focus on not relapsing and keeping the mind in check, it’s a struggle and it can be the worst time for your self-esteem and confidence which is why it’s so important to recognise the positive steps you take every day and celebrate the little wins.
Sir David Attenborough makes some good points here.
I also find it important to find sources of inspiration. So I will often chuck on an audiobook or a video to build up a focused mind, I may be a big ball of emotions these days but it’s worth maintaining a mindset fixed on a forward motion.
One of my heroes is Bruce Lee who was greatly influenced by a poem which I will share with you.
“The Man Who Thinks He Can” by Walter Wintle
If you think you are beaten, you are;
If you think you dare not, you don’t.
If you’d like to win, but think you can’t
It’s almost a cinch that you won’t
If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost,
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow’s will;
It’s all in the state of mind.
If you think you’re outclassed, you are.
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.
Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man;
But sooner or later the man who wins
Is the one who thinks he can.
This video really helps me get my mind positively charged.
Here are some challenges and ideas I would encourage you to explore. Start small and enjoy the process and the journey.
Basecamp Recovery 